Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, November 13, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The L.A. Dodgers signed Mark McGwire as team hitting coach from the Cardinals. The steroid scandal got his name taken off a road sign in St. Louis but it’s still on a sign at USC. His name was on a state highway in Missouri but at USC it’s on the Chemistry Building.
James Bond’s new movie Skyfall opened in the U.S. Friday to rave reviews. This is the fiftieth anniversary of his first movie and he still looks like he’s in his mid-forties. The audiences in Los Angeles are staying all the way through the credits to see who did his face.
Steven Spielberg’s film Lincoln starring Daniel Day Lewis came out last weekend. It claims that Abe waged the war against the South on behalf of all mankind. It settled the great moral issue in America whether farm work should be done by slaves or illegal aliens.
Anger Management TV producers said Charlie Sheen’s job is not in jeopardy despite reports he’s back to partying hard every night at his home. There is concern about his health. Charlie Sheen recently lost ten pounds and the cartel’s looking everywhere for him.
President Obama’s re-election on Tuesday prompted a stock market plunge of three hundred points. Repairing this economy may require a little luck. President Obama is going to need all the luck he can get to fix the mess he inherited from the past four years.
Real Clear Politics reported millions fewer white voters came out to vote Tuesday than four years ago. The weather was beautiful from coast to coast. The lesson is, never ask an Anglo-Saxon to choose between improving his golf game and improving his country.
Senator John McCain ripped the White House for not sending U.S. troops into Libya to thwart the terrorist attack on the U.S. Embassy last month. The guy loves quagmires. Not only did John McCain fight the Vietnam War, he got the nation bogged down in Sarah Palin.
Mexico ripped Colorado and Washington state for legalizing marijuana in Tuesday’s election. Mexico is just furious. Legalization could drastically reduce drug violence in Mexico just as drug violence in Mexico was about to land a TV contract with ESPN Deportes.
McDonald’s announced a sales drop in October Thursday, marking the first monthly sales loss in ten years for the hamburger chain. The reason for the drop in sales is obvious. When the White House forced McDonald’s to replace french fries with apple slices in Happy Meals, it was the biggest misjudgment since they guaranteed the loans to Solyndra.
Chris Matthews apologized for expressing his gratitude on election night that Hurricane Sandy arrived just in time to help Obama in the polls. He showed no concern for the victims. This is what you have to do when you’re campaigning to be the new FEMA Director.
Karl Rove had to tell top GOP donors how he spent half a billion of their money this year without winning. He was ashen-faced. It’d be the biggest waste of money in political history if it weren’t for the fact that Karl Rove also advised George W. Bush to invade Iraq.
President Obama begins dealing with Congress Thursday after elections kept the GOP controlling the House, Democrats still controlling the Senate and Barack Obama still as president. They spent six billion dollars and nothing’s changed. Kids who want to be rich in America used to want to be baseball players, now they want to own a TV station in Ohio.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.13.12

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