Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, October 31, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Hurricane Sandy threatened to destroy offshore wells and cause East Coast oil spills Monday. It’s a concern. Democrats fear that fresh water could get contaminated by oil and gas and Republicans are afraid that oil and gas could get contaminated by fresh water.
Hurricane Sandy’s arrival forced East Coast residents to evacuate ahead of time this week. Many never got the word the storm was coming. They turned off their TV sets two weeks ago to avoid campaign commercials and on Monday they were swept out to sea.
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg ordered the city evacuated Monday as Hurricane Sandy approached Manhattan. Everyone was nervous. The mayor warned that no looting would be tolerated and to make sure of it they closed the New York Stock Exchange.
Chicago residents were warned Monday to expect 25 foot waves out in Lake Michigan. The hurricane is tearing across the continent. Shooters on the South side of Chicago had to hire caddies to advise them about how to compensate for the wind speed.
President Obama flew back to Washington, D.C., from the campaign trail on Monday to monitor the hurricane. He came on the radio and issued safety instructions. He blamed Hurricane Sandy on an anti-ocean video currently making the rounds on YouTube.
Mitt Romney addressed a crowd in Cleveland Monday before the hurricane collided with the cold front there. The locals were scared. Normally they don’t have catastrophic events in Ohio and when they do, it’s usually in conjunction with the opening of a Walmart.
Mitt Romney led President Obama by five points in Gallup’s daily poll Monday. The country’s in one of those moods. A Democrat sees a glass of water as half-full while a Republican looks at the same glass and wonders who the hell drank half his glass of water.
The FBI announced major crimes are down in U.S. big cities for the fifth straight year Monday. It’s the legalized pot. Convenience store robberies are down because at every hour of the day and night there are 20 people in line waiting to pay for their Twinkies.
Donald Trump was fired as the manager of the high-price condominium building in New York known as Trump Tower. The condo board fired him. Compared to all the job losses President Obama has presided over in the last four years, this one bothers him the least.
Variety reports Arnold Schwarzenegger signed to star in a new Conan the Barbarian movie which will begin shooting soon. In the movie, the superhero is going to mentor his son and teach him the ways of glory. The boy’s mother is the housekeeper at Valhalla.
Variety reports the new James Bond film set London box office records Saturday on the 50th anniversary of the first Bond movie. The secret agent is showing his age. The new movie is called The Spy Who Loved Me, an Hour After He Took the Little Blue Pill.
A New York cop was arrested Friday for plotting the kidnapping, killing and cooking and eating of over 100 women. The guy was a regular street cop who walked the beat in Brooklyn. Perhaps it’s time to starting to looking at the doughnut as a gateway food.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.31.12

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