Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, September 28, 2012 7:01 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Betty Ford Center will hold a banquet in Rancho Mirage to celebrate its 30th anniversary next fall. So much has changed. The latest study says the leading causes of alcoholism today in the U.S. are drinking games played when a replacement ref makes a call.
The NFL backed the replacement ref’s missed call which cost the Green Bay Packers the game Monday night. It’s become a campaign issue. President Obama said the NFL owners aren’t paying their fair share while Mitt Romney said the solution is fewer referees.
The Ryder Cup is played this weekend in Chicago between the U.S. and European golf teams vying for the coveted cup. Michael Jordan will be on hand to help prepare the U.S. golfers. They each just won millions in the FedEx Cup and could probably use a card game.
Spain’s news agency reported a Spanish college is offering a course in prostitution to help ease all the unemployment in Spain. Classes include suspending morality, taking cash for favors and sleazy positions. At graduation you receive a degree in political science.
Gov. Jerry Brown signed a law Tuesday allowing driverless cars on the roads in California. It’s high time. Between texting, cell phone use, coffee, make-up and shooting people that cut you off, Californians simply don’t have enough hands for the steering wheel.
Madonna stood onstage at her concert in Washington D.C. Monday and told the crowd she will strip completely naked onstage if American voters re-elect President Obama. The next morning the betting line in Las Vegas moved nine points. She just elected Romney.
President Obama drew heat Tuesday for not talking to any Mideast leaders at the U.N. in New York. It’s quite defensible. You get so hooked on that AFTRA minimum of two grand for every talk show appearance, and you begin to wonder why you should give it away for free.
Mitt Romney drew such big crowds in Ohio Wednesday that the fire marshal had to turn people away. It’s no secret why. Mitt has thrown away the playbook and decided to reveal the secret of how a man with no job is able to make $15 million a year.
Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ranted and raved against the U.S. and Israel in his speech to the U.N. General Assembly Wednesday. It got little play locally. If New Yorkers want to hear a short, hot-tempered Iranian shout at the world, they can rent a cab.
Mitt Romney was joined by Jack Nicklaus onstage in Ohio Wednesday. The golf great told how the recession affected his business. It was awkward when Jack told the crowd how he’s been forced to lay off half his workers to stay profitable and Mitt stood and applauded.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid denounced Mitt Romney for sullying the Mormon faith Tuesday. He’s one to talk. Like most lawmakers who have served in Washington, D.C., for over 30 years, Sen. Reid credits his longevity in office to insufficient evidence.
Magician David Blaine announced in New York City Thursday his next death-defying stunt. He plans to have a one-million-volt charge surge through his body for 72 hours. His mission is to bring hope to men wrongfully convicted of capital crimes in Texas.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.28.12

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