Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, September 21, 2012 7:01 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama appeared on David Letterman’s show Tuesday in New York City. It was groundbreaking. David Letterman became the first star to interview President Obama all summer with President Obama actually sitting in the chair during the interview.
Mitt Romney was overheard on tape telling GOP donors that 47 percent of Americans are dependent on government and feel entitled to free housing. He showed no sympathy for the underclass. This is the Reagan playbook for carrying 49 states.
Prince William and Kate Middleton were greeted in the Solomon Islands Tuesday by topless native women who danced unashamed. The public nudity had to annoy the prince. Isn’t the entire purpose of a vacation to get away from your everyday life at home?
Kate Middleton’s topless photos were sold to a Danish tabloid for millions of dollars Tuesday. They were taken from long-range as she sun-bathed in France. It’s amazing how the Mars Curiosity Rover landed only a month ago and already it’s starting to pay for itself.
Colombia’s Queen of Cocaine Griselda Blanco was assassinated by a motorcyclist on the streets of Colombia Tuesday. Thirty years ago she pioneered the distribution of cocaine on a national scale. She was succeeded by her second-in-command, Lindsay Lohan.
A Harvard professor found ancient gospels quoting Jesus as saying he is married to Mary Magdalene. She was purported to be a prostitute. Tim Tebow just announced that to be more like his savior he will do an internship at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Nevada.
Tim Tebow sat down with reporters in New York City Tuesday and revealed that he’s considering running for office after he retires from football. His appeal is split along regional lines. In the South they hope he will run, in the North they just wish he could pass.
President Obama couldn’t answer a question about the national debt Tuesday. China lends us the money, which is given to government dependents, who spend it at Walmart, which buys everything from China. The money circles so fast that last week it formed a tornado that blew the hair off the roof of the William Shatner Theater in Phoenix.
France closed 20 of its embassies across the Muslim world Friday after a French comic magazine ran a cartoon of the Prophet Mohammed. That’s not all. In addition, the French security service raised the nation’s terror alert level from collaborate to surrender.
A Pakistani man died inhaling the smoke of the U.S. flag he was burning in Islamabad Monday. They can’t win. If they inhale the polyester flags made in China they die, and if they inhale the hemp flags from Kentucky they can’t remember what they’re protesting.
NFL defensive players praised the replacement refs Friday, saying they don’t whistle every little infraction. The defenders say they allow the players to play the game. One player was killed after being tackled last week when the referee gave him a thumbs-down.
Justice Department officials resigned over the failure of Operation Fast and Furious Tuesday. They sold Mexican drug dealers guns equipped with GPS to try to track them. Just our luck, the GPS only served to tell the shooter when there was a drug agent on the next block.
The GOP released old video Tuesday of President Obama admitting he was in favor of wealth redistribution, in response to the Democrats releasing old video of Romney admitting he was a capitalist. This is nothing. Forty years from now, presidential candidates will have partied with Prince Harry and there will be cell-phone video of that.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.21.12

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