Argus 9.14.12

Argus 9.14.12

Posted: Friday, September 14, 2012 7:01 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mideast riots erupted Tuesday over a movie promoted by Florida Pastor Terry Jones depicting the Prophet Mohammed as a sex monster. It’s far from over. Just to be on the safe side, Aflac just fired Pastor Terry Jones as the voice of the duck on their TV commercials.
U.S. embassies in North Africa were invaded Tuesday over a movie the Arabs say insulted their religion. They’re sensitive. The only reason we have any skyscrapers still standing in Manhattan is Barbara Eden was forced to cover her navel in “I Dream of Jeannie.”
The U.S. Embassy in Cairo was breached by angry Islamic mobs in Egypt Tuesday who tore down the U.S. flag. We can all see where this is going. We’re just 52 hostages away from the return of disco and Ronald Reagan becoming president of the United States.
President Obama spoke at the White House Wednesday to denounce the attacks on U.S. embassies. The president was resolute. He added a statement saying it’s unacceptable to insult anyone’s religion unless it refuses to pay for free birth control for its employees.
Mitt Romney defended U.S. principles Tuesday including the right to free speech and free expression despite Muslim anger over an anti-Muslim film. The Muslim Brotherhood is very worried in Egypt. They know that if Mitt Romney becomes president he will spare Saudi Arabia, Iraq and Iran, and sell off the Arab countries that are losing money.
David Letterman was chosen to receive the Kennedy Center honors in Washington in December. Dave was blackmailed over an adulterous affair with an intern last year but he escaped with his career unharmed. The Kennedys are also honoring him for his comedy.
The U.S. slipped to seventh in economic productivity on the World Economic Forum’s annual list Monday. There’s not much we can do. China’s government just changed the country’s one-child policy because every family needs a second kid to work the night shift.
President Obama’s speech in Las Vegas Wednesday had to be moved from an outdoor 20,000-seat arena into a smaller room. It’s humbling. The same thing just happened to him in Charlotte, only this time the crowd gets to play Keno during the show.
The Today Show didn’t air a World Trade Center moment of silence Tuesday and instead ran a chat with Kris Jenner about her breast implants. It was a misunderstanding. The producer’s rundown said they were supposed to run a segment on the collapse of the Twin Towers.
Mexican sewage pipes ruptured into the ocean in Tijuana Tuesday. Tons of the raw sewage floated up to San Diego beaches. President Obama had to be forcibly stopped from issuing an executive order granting the sewage a two-year stay in the United States
The L.A. City Council weighed giving illegal aliens photo-ID library cards Tuesday. L.A. libraries already offer computer porn to adults. Offering both IDs and porn will keeps terrorists from having to drive all over the city the day before they board the plane.
Santa Clarita bank robbers led L.A. police on a car chase in South Central Los Angeles Wednesday. They threw money out of the car, causing people to run out into the street in front of pursuing police cars. The recession’s so bad in California that people are taking jobs as human spike strips.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 9.14.12

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