Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, September 11, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Queen Elizabeth’s husband Prince Philip was photographed naked under his kilt as he sat watching the Highland Games in Scotland Friday with his legs spread. Now that’s family loyalty. Greater love hath no man than he who would take the heat off his grandson.
President Obama’s convention speech Thursday got poor reviews. Someone should have warned him. A politician’s decision to follow a Bill Clinton speech is like a comedian agreeing to follow Richard Pryor, before you do this you should have your affairs in order.
Bill Clinton appeared jaunty Friday, telling reporters he is ready to campaign in Ohio and Florida for the Democrats. Everyone’s happy to see how well he’s doing in his personal recovery program. He has now gone twelve years without anybody telling on him.
President Obama campaigned in swing states, promising voters a better economy if they’ll give him a second term in office. The overflow crowds left the auditoriums disappointed. They had paid three hundred dollars apiece for a seminar on how to get rich in real estate.
Mitt Romney said Friday the Democratic Convention was a party but the U.S. jobs report was the hangover. And this is a guy who knows hangovers. How many times on the road has Mitt Romney awakened some mornings wishing he hadn’t drunk that last Diet Cherry Coke before falling asleep and didn’t have to explain the red stain to the maid.
The Labor Department reported lower unemployment Friday when three hundred thousand people gave up job-hunting. It may result in a second stimulus package. The first stimulus package brought rigor to the economy, unfortunately it also brought mortis.
Mel Gibson’s divorce was finalized Thursday when he agreed to give his wife Robyn three hundred twenty million dollars. It’s about justice. The day Mel announced he was leaving her, thousands of Jewish attorneys volunteered to represent her free of charge.
Utah’s Wasatch Brewery announced it will brew and bottle President Obama’s home beer recipe. They copied the recipe off his website. Obama always wanted to know what it feels like to be a rock star, and now that his work is being downloaded for free, he does.
President Obama hit the campaign trail, trying to hustle up votes in key battleground states. His slogan practically writes itself. The president killed Osama bin Laden, he killed Anwar al-Awlaki, he killed Moammar Kadaffi and he provided health care for everyone.
Beverly Hills was hit by a second earthquake in one week Friday when a three-point temblor struck. It won’t affect the campaign. The Secret Service will still allow President Obama to attend fundraising dinners at George Clooney’s, but he has to sit under the door.
The Texas Transportation Commission increased the speed limit to eighty-five miles an hour Thursday. It’s for Interstate highways out of Austin. Oklahoma lawmakers are expected to pass the same speed limit to keep Texas from obtaining a recruiting advantage.
CBS sold ninety percent of all its Super Bowl ad time slots at seven million dollars a minute Friday. The recession didn’t go away. This year, instead of the pre-game coin toss the players are going to play rock-paper-scissors to see who kicks off and who receives.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.11.12

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