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Argus 8.31.12

Argus 8.31.12

Posted: Friday, August 31, 2012 7:01 pm
By: By Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Major League Baseball began investigating player agents who might have dealt with a known steroids dealer Wednesday. They’re going after the agents because it’s hard to get testimony from the players. Their policy is see no evil, hear no evil, speak no English.
Madonna wore a red-white-and-blue drum major’s outfit at her Philadelphia concert Tuesday and told the crowd to appreciate their freedoms as Americans. Her sudden burst of patriotism was no gimmick. As soon as people get their AARP cards, they start voting.
Mitt Romney accepted the GOP nomination for president Thursday before a roaring and cheering crowd of delegates in Tampa. His story is so inspiring. It shows that the multi-millionaire son of a multi-millionaire can beat the odds and succeed in America.
Mitt Romney cited his background Thursday when he said he’s got the experience to turn the economy around. That’s ominous for some. If he becomes president and starts selling the states that are unprofitable, California could be picked up by China in a fire sale.
Paul Ryan fired up the GOP convention crowd with his speech calling for change in Washington Wednesday. The speech was a huge success. He convinced many Americans that he was ready for the big time by sticking closely to his strategy of not being Joe Biden.
Ann Romney brought down the house at the GOP convention Tuesday in her speech touting her husband for president. She said she wanted to dispel the myths about him being cold and businesslike. It’s not true that she wears a pink slip to get him in the mood.
President Obama’s campaign officials said Wednesday they plan to deploy Bill Clinton as much as possible until Election Day. They’ll put him out front at the convention, in TV ads and at rallies. He must be impotent or he wouldn’t be doing all these honey-do chores for Hillary.
India’s judiciary ruled to protect two ancient temples from excavation. Each artifact is expertly deciphered. Recently archaeologists dug down 40 feet and found nothing, and concluded that India had wireless communications four thousand years ago.
No Easy Day will hit the bookstores Tuesday by a U.S. Navy SEAL who went on the raid that killed Osama bin Laden. The eyewitness account disputes jihadist claims it was an assassination. In accordance with international law, they fired two warning shots to the head.
L.A. prosecutors declined to charge Lindsay Lohan with burglary Monday. Since rehab she’s stolen a necklace, had two car wrecks and ducked a burglary rap. She could be the first Betty Ford graduate to have her sobriety revoked without drinking or doing drugs.
Allstate released a report saying Washington, D.C., is at the bottom of the list of safest driving cities with the average motorist in a wreck every four years. It’s out of date. These statistics were recorded when there were still Kennedys in both houses of Congress.
Prince Harry’s strip billiards party-goers in Las Vegas said Tuesday that some of the party-goers were snorting cocaine last week in the high-roller suite. Harry’s back on duty. He’s safer in Afghanistan fighting the Taliban than he is in Las Vegas, where room service rolls in on a camera dolly.
Hurricane Isaac’s arrival canceled the gay festival called Southern Decadence in New Orleans this week but brought rain to the drought-stricken Midwest. They need federal help because a lot of insurance doesn’t cover this type of damage. Anything that rescues farmers and shuts down the French Quarter is the very definition of an Act of God.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at

Published in The Messenger 8.31.12

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