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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, August 27, 2012 7:00 pm

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Prince Harry was photographed playing strip billiards with naked chicks in his Las Vegas hotel suite Tuesday. There is great concern for him. Everyone hopes that this incident doesn’t interfere with Harry’s duties as a rich young man with no responsibilities.
Major League Baseball suspended two more players who tested positive for steroid use last week. It’s endless. Last year Congress investigated steroid use in baseball and concluded that the Chicago Cubs are just one month away from acquiring nuclear weapons.
Princeton Review named West Virginia the top party school Sunday. Everyone wants the title. Today, FDR’s Four Freedoms would be freedom from student loan payments, freedom from collection calls, freedom from expulsion, and freedom from alarm clocks.
NBA star Carmelo Anthony did a DVD advising urban youth to stop snitching on drug dealers. It’s really cocky. In this day and age, NBA players are lucky the owners don’t lower the net by two feet and replace them with five guys standing in front of Home Depot.
Tropical Storm Isaac threatened the GOP convention with cancellation on Thursday as it headed towards Florida. Republicans know what to do during a hurricane. They ship all the Democrats to the Superdome in New Orleans and try to keep them from voting.
President Obama spoke at a star-studded New York fundraiser Thursday. He said he is rarely at an event where he’s the fifth or sixth most interesting person in the room. At the last three events the line to talk to Andy Dick was longer than the line to talk to him.
Joe Biden will campaign in Tampa to try to upstage the GOP Convention. He wants to win his title back. Last week Biden accused the GOP of favoring slavery, but after Todd Akin declared that raped women can’t get pregnant, Joe had to settle for the silver in dumb.
Saddleback Church pastor Rick Warren cancelled his sit-down forum between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. The pastor blamed it on the vitriol. They’ve both said such nasty things about Todd Akin that his congregation won’t sit in the same room with them.
Missouri Congressman Todd Akin refused to pull out of the Senate race after he said raped women can’t get pregnant. The guy’s not that modern. Todd Akin is from a part of Missouri which just assumes that Fifty Shades of Grey is a Confederate uniform catalogue.
The TSA were at a Paul Ryan event to scan Republicans at The Villages in Florida. It’s a huge senior citizen community. TSA statistics show that people with knee and hip replacements pose the greatest threat to U.S. security since the collapse of the Soviet Union.
Mitt Romney vowed to green-light the Canadian oil pipeline and open up drilling in the U.S. Thursday in New Mexico. The candidate is a passionate supporter of fossil fuels. He thinks energy self-sufficiency is a dinosaur tied to the roof of the family station wagon.
CBS announced it will broadcast a re-run of Hawaii Five-O Monday rather than carry Ann Romney’s speech to the GOP Convention. It’s an outrage. Republicans were upset till they realized this is the episode where McGarrett finds out there is no birth certificate.
The Mars Curiosity rover did its test drive Thursday by rolling forward fifteen feet, then turning one hundred twenty degrees and backing up eight feet. Americans had one query. If you’re only the car on the planet, why do you have to know how to parallel park?
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.27.12

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