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Argus 8.24.12

Argus 8.24.12

Posted: Friday, August 24, 2012 7:01 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Prince Harry was caught by cell phone cameras partying naked with women in a Las Vegas hotel room Tuesday, where they played a game of strip billiards. It’s part of his training for his future official duties. Prince Harry becomes king when Charlie Sheen dies.
Roger Clemens signed with a Texas independent league baseball team Monday even though he’s fifty years old. However, the speed of his fastball indicates he’s better than ever. Thanks to his AARP discount he can afford more steroids and he gets free shipping.
The New York Giants were caught hazing in the locker room in cell phone photos posted last week. One guy was seized and pushed into a tub of ice water eight times. His teammates weren’t hazing him, they’re just so brain-damaged that they forgot they had already done it.
The Princeton Review named West Virginia University the nation’s top party school in its an annual ranking. The dubious honor actually improves the school’s reputation. Last weekend, a fire broke out on sorority row that almost took out the entire trailer park.
Joe Biden plans to crash the GOP Convention in Tampa Monday by making campaign speeches there. The trip was timed with carefully charted precision. President Obama can pick Hillary Clinton to be his running mate but only if Joe Biden is killed in a hurricane.
The GOP Convention in Tampa is threatened by Hurricane Isaac Monday. They don’t have to cancel thanks to cell phones. Mitt Romney could be the first candidate ever nominated by 2,200 delegates standing alone in their hotel room bath tubs.
Democratic Convention planners said they will dovote one night to the GOP’s war on women. TV networks aren’t happy. They’re going to devote so much time to talking about birth control they’ll have to reserve two hours of the program just to read the side effects.
Missouri GOP Senate candidate Todd Akin refused to step down from the ticket Monday after saying women have the biological power to avoid pregnancy during a legitimate rape. Republicans are at a loss to know how to handle him. So far the best idea is to have him debate Joe Biden at Colonial Williamsburg and try to change the subject back to slavery.
President Obama sold tickets to play basketball against Michael Jordon Wednesday in New York. They’re making a mistake, raffling a chance to play basketball against him. They’d make a lot more money if they raffled a chance to go to Las Vegas and play poker against him.
President Obama met students at the Ohio State student union Wednesday where he signed autographs and repeatedly misspelled the word Ohio. The president spelled the state’s name O-I-H-O. Nevertheless the voters gave him an A, it’s been that way all his life.
Hillary Clinton said she’s made plans to step down as Secretary of State at the end of the term. It’s not easy for her to do. Hillary Clinton once tried to resign from the Obama Administration and the Capitol Police arrested her for leaving the scene of an accident.
The Labor Department was discovered Tuesday to have spent a half million dollars in taxpayer money to purchase TV ads on MSNBC to tout the Obama administration’s Jobs Act three years ago. It was highly controversial. You can’t imagine how much Andrea Mitchell resents being told to wave her pom-poms higher and keep her thumbs tucked in.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at

Published in The Messenger 8.24.12

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