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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, August 21, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Las Vegas was named the No. 1 tourist destination for Labor Day Weekend by travel websites Friday. The hotels can no longer market themselves as luxurious and sophisticated. Due to the recession, Treasure Island is now managed by Somali pirates.
Elvis Presley was saluted by tens of thousands of fans in Memphis who observed the 35th anniversary of his death. He was a force of nature. Contemporaries agree that if Elvis Presley were alive today, he’d be scratching frantically to get out of that coffin.
Shark Week debuted on the Discovery Channel as millions observed sharks in action Friday. They never sleep and they spend their lives devouring weaker fish. The sharks are the first species to adopt the Paul Ryan budget and they have never been more popular.
The Crumb and Get It bakery in Virginia refused to let Joe Biden to do an event in the bakery Wednesday. It’s due to small business anger. The White House was upset because they were hoping that a cupcake in Joe Biden’s mouth would have the same effect as a cork.
The Washington Examiner reports that Hillary Clinton rebuffed White House feelers last week to be Obama’s running mate. Happy days were here again for comedians. The Clintons aren’t even back in the White House yet and already someone’s getting felt up.
The White House refused to end ethanol subsidies after the drought caused food and gas prices to soar. There’s a reason that the people who built this country reserved corn for whiskey and not for energy. We can get the oil out of the ground whether it rains or not.
Chicago put a 4,000-pound stone marker in front of the Baskin-Robbins where Barack took Michelle on their first date. It’ll be great for tourism. Americans will come from near and far to see the last place that Michelle Obama advocated ice cream.
Mitt Romney told Fortune magazine Thursday that he will reduce funding for PBS to cut federal spending. This is bad news for Sesame Street. The last time we saw Big Bird he was tied to the roof of the Romney family station wagon and looking a little green.
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was tapped to be the keynote speaker at the GOP Convention in Orlando. The guy likes to eat. Last month Chris Christie was the only man chasing the bulls through the streets of Pamplona carrying a bottle of barbecue sauce.
Facebook shares fell to eighteen dollars a share on Wall Street on Thursday. This is fixable. The way for FB to make money is to cover the breasts of the women in posted party photos with corporate logos that stay there for twenty seconds before they go away.
Homeland Security official Suzy Barr was accused by three male ICE agents of lewd conduct toward them. They said they’re being treated like male strippers. They said they’re sick and tired of having to rent their lockers and split their tips with the bartender.
German lawmakers debated a bill to pay mothers $200 per month to stay home with their kids. The German government shouldn’t spend tax revenues on home child care. That money has to go to pay Greek beatniks to sit in Athens and sip coffee.
Dallas suburbs were aerial sprayed to kill West Nile mosquitoes Friday, prompting residents to turn off their air conditioning for fear they’d be poisoned. That’s a big mistake. If they die from a government poison, their heirs will get a settlement check, but if they turn off their air conditioners in Texas in August, the life insurance companies consider it suicide.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.21.12

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