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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, August 14, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Mars Curiosity rover sent back photos Friday which scientists suggested looked like California’s desert. That’s silly. The mountains and dust look about right but not even a planet the size of Mars could possibly have as many aliens as there are in California.
The Los Angeles Lakers pulled off a trade for the NBA’s top center, Dwight Howard of Orlando. He fell in love with L.A. while rehabbing here from a knee injury. The trade was delayed three months until a Kardashian could be brought in to perform the physical.
USA Today says all nine NASCAR fans who were hit by lightning at Pocono Racetrack are out of the hospital. It had to happen. You knew out of fifty thousand racecar fans there would be nine Democrats with electric cars who’d blame their injuries on lightning.
The U.S. Olympic team battled all weekend with China to see which country brought home the most gold medals. It was very close. China was ahead in gold medals won until the U.S. Olympic team borrowed them all to pay for roads and bridges and education.
Arkansas former coach Bobby Petrino told ESPN Friday he regretted the affair that led to his firing sixteen months ago. He cheated with a beautiful blonde assistant. If it had happened after the Penn State scandal, he would’ve gotten a Character Counts award.
Israel’s orthodox temples have started selling new glasses to men that blur a woman who’s dressed sexy. That’s the difference between the religions. Orthodox Muslims beat women with sticks for wearing sexy clothing while Orthodox Jews empower optometrists to put their kids through college.
Vietnam’s airline Viet-Jet hired its flight attendants to dress in Hawaiian bikinis and dance in the aisle. The world is upside down. Flying on a communist airline is like a trip to the Swinging Sixties while flying on a capitalist airline is like a night in the Hanoi Hilton.
Mitt Romney was slow to react Friday when accused by a laid-off steelworker in a TV ad of killing his wife. It shows the split in the GOP. Half of Mitt’s advisors told him not to dignify it with a comment while the other half advised him to say the wife needed killing.
Mitt Romney picked up two surprise endorsements in Hollywood Friday from Clint Eastwood and porn star Jenna Jameson. The characters they play in the movies are legendary. If Dirty Harry were to challenge Jenna Jameson to make his day, she just might.
Mitt Romney said Tuesday the U.S. must get its financial house in order before it ends up like Greece, Spain, Italy or California. It’s hopeless. There’s something about coastal climates that makes people do nothing but sip coffee and try out script ideas on each other.
President Obama said Thursday he wants to nationalize other industries like he did General Motors. They’re now subsidizing leases for Cadillacs. It was a stroke of genius to make the back seat a sleeper so that a family of four Californians has a place to live for three hundred a month.
President Obama campaigned in Colorado Thursday where he attacked Republicans for their opposition to wind energy. Birds don’t know what to think of Democrats. One minute they’re banning development to save their nests, and the next minute they’re cutting off their heads with with windmills like they’d just refused to give Henry VIII a son.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.14.12

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