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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, August 9, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Mars Curiosity rover landed Sunday equipped with two picks, a drill and a laser cannon to blast boulders. It’s preparing the planet for eventual colonization. The rover is going to build a church, a racetrack, and a club that Martians aren’t allowed to join.
German sociologists claimed Sunday if a person doesn’t social network they could be insane. None of the latest shooters were on Facebook. You’re not considered a normal adult anymore unless you spend all your time spying on people and posting party pictures.
Wisconsin Sikh Temple shooter Wade Page was reported to be an U.S. Army washout and an active member of white supremacist groups. He was also a drummer in neo-Nazi bands. They play hard rock with angry lyrics and the toughest part is having to polka to it.
The Los Angeles City Council declared Tuesday to be Bob Marley Day. The leaders in the city are determined to celebrate diversity. While Hollywood cocaine users get all the glory, the vast majority of people in Los Angeles who are potheads deserve recognition too.
Congress is considering a bill to exempt U.S. Olympic athletes from paying income taxes on the medals and cash they win. It’s the only way to get them to bring home the gold. Three weeks is just long enough to learn that Grand Cayman Island has branch banks in London.
Mitt Romney went grocery shopping in New Hampshire Tuesday. He really inspires others. By the time he left the store, the cashiers decertified their union, the butchers took over the produce department and the store manager was refusing to release his tax return.
Harry Reid charged Friday that Mitt Romney hasn’t paid taxes in ten years. Many say it could bring Mitt sympathy. If Harry Reid proves that Romney hasn’t paid taxes in ten years, Democratic voters may feel sorry for him and share their food stamps with him.
Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said U.S. food will be poisoned if Mitt Romney is elected and she called the GOP the party of E. coli. The metaphor marked a shift in party strategy. Pushing grandmother off the cliff wasn’t working anymore so they had to go with diarrhea.
Mitt Romney was rumored Tuesday to be considering CIA chief General David Petraeus to be his running mate. He’s worked for George W. Bush, now he works for Obama and soon he may be campaigning for Romney. This economy really saps you of everything you stand for.
President Obama accused Mitt Romney Monday of pushing a tax plan that robs from the middle class to give to the rich. He called it Romney Hood. Until now Romney Hood was where the dog ends up on the family station wagon when he falls off the Romney Roof.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.9.12

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