Skip to content

Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, August 1, 2012 7:00 pm

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Colorado shooter James Holmes was indicted in state court on two dozen counts of murder Monday. At least they got him. If he’d pulled off this crime at the Olympics, he could have escaped and flown to Switzerland before anybody saw what happened on NBC.
The London Olympics opener on Friday was a tribute to the working class and free health care. No mention of royal glory, nobility, mercantile wealth, or new nations created by British colonists. By the evening’s end, NBC owed Mitt Romney four hours of equal time.
The London Olympics opening ceremony Friday got the highest TV ratings in history. What a night. Every four years Americans like to gather in their living rooms and watch the Parade of Nations and try to guess which ones don’t have U.S. troops in them.
The London Olympics banned women’s beach volleyball bikinis and replaced them with less revealing gym outfits after Arabs objected. Muslim countries don’t think at all like Westerners. In California, for instance, we expose our women and cover up our oil.
Bill Clinton was chosen to be keynote speaker at the Democratic Convention to helps with white male voters. It fell to him. Bill Clinton polls second behind Charlie Sheen among white males, but Charlie was previously scheduled with another personal scandal that day.
House Republicans accused the White House of leaking additional national security secrets Monday. This is serious. It’s either treason or it’s the greatest confusion over leaks in Washington since many Americans assumed that Barry Goldwater was a urologist.
The White House denied that Barack Obama returned Churchill’s bust to the British Embassy when he took office. You know the defense. Obama says he didn’t do that, the bust traveled back to the British Embassy over roads and bridges built by somebody else.
Mitt Romney visited Israel Sunday and he pledged to support moving the capital to Jerusalem. It won’t help him win New York. Jewish voters there are still smarting over the Bernie Madoff scandal and they’d rather vote for someone named Hussein than another money manager.
Death Valley was threatened with closure of its air strip Friday by the National Park Service. They want to discourage settlements. Developers say all that Death Valley needs is water and lots of good people, the same thing they need in Hell, come to think of it.
Penn State said it may get a loan to pay the NCAA’s sixty-million-dollar fine in the child sex abuse scandal. The sanctions hurt. Taking down the statue of Joe Paterno at the stadium was one thing but putting it back up at Neverland Ranch seems a little harsh.
A Swiss soccer athlete became the second Olympic star to get sent home for making a racist tweet Monday. It all helps the cause. Someday political correctness may finally die if everybody gets kicked out of everything for tweeting too fast during a weak moment.
A German company opened up a hotline that lets Germans cuss out a stranger on the other end of the line to blow off steam. This was the original purpose of the U.N. Now for a dollar a minute Germany can have the benefits without paying New York restaurant prices.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.1.12

Leave a Comment