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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, July 10, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Labor Department released low job numbers Friday with eighty thousand Americans going on disability. It’s not hard to understand. Disability is what you go on when your unemployment runs out and Antiques Roadshow says your vase was made in Japan.
The Weather Channel reported two hundred heat records fell in the Midwest Friday where Illinois and Missouri baked in triple-digit temperatures. The heat was made more miserable by the high humidity. Everyone was sweating like John Edwards in church.
Swiss scientists on Wednesday found the God Particle, which gives mass to atoms and unleashes all the power in the universe. It has great potential but U.S. scientists won’t say anything quite yet. We always try these things on Japan before we make a final judgment.
Australian Olympic swimmer Stephanie Rice posed for sexy bikini photos and posted them on Twitter Friday. It got everyone’s attention. Stephanie Rice was just voted most likely to be kidnapped by the terrorists during the Games and sold to the Sultan of Brunei.
Mitt Romney was ripped by his La Jolla neighbors over the presence of all his Secret Service agents. Their crankiness is understandable. With the mortgage market so tight now, the only way you can own a house in La Jolla is to inherit money or deal cocaine.
Garden State Fireworks apologized to San Diego after all its fireworks accidentally went off at once on July Fourth. It was over in fifteen seconds. The explosion was so huge the city had to fly in Rudy Giuliani to tell residents it was okay to go shopping the next day.
North Korea published a song called Onward to the Final Victory. Music and dancing is so important to North Korea that they smuggle tap shoes into the country. The only Western television they are allowed to see is Billy Crystal’s opening number at the Oscars.
The Justice Department vowed Thursday it will continue raiding California’s medical marijuana stores. Whose side are they on? First they supply Mexico’s drug cartels with automatic weapons, now they’re closing down the American stores that compete with them.
Arizonans turned in three hundred thousand signatures Friday on a petition which places state law above federal law. It’s expected to spread eastward. The good news for the South this time is that all the cannon factories are not in the North, they’re in India.
President Obama was in Pennsylvania Friday where he ate cheeseburgers, French fries, ice cream and pie. This is why comedians love Democrats. Bill Clinton saw interns, John Edwards saw a videographer and Obama cheats on his wife’s Healthy Foods Initiative.
Jerry Brown was handed a bill passed by the assembly making California a sanctuary state for illegal aliens Friday. There are other sensitive cultural decisions weighing on him. Minorities are pressing hard to have English recognized as California’s third language.
President Obama embarked on a bus tour of Ohio and Pennsylvania Thursday to try to package himself as a working class president. His campaign decided to label the bus tour Betting on America. It’s part of the president’s plan to get the country gambling again.
President Obama went on a bus tour of Ohio on Thursday to identify with Ohio blue-collar workers. Why does everyone wants to be something they’re not? Barack Obama wants to be working class, Bill Clinton wants to be black, and George W. Bush has a library.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.10.12

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