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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, July 5, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Supreme Court ruled in favor of illegal immigration and health care reform last week before going on vacation. The conservatives had only one ruling go their way. Just before adjournment Chief Justice John Roberts ruled that Anderson Cooper is straight.
Andy Griffith died at age eighty-six at his home in North Carolina Tuesday. The thing that separates a great comedian like him is his sense of timing. Andy Griffith died right after shooting TV commercials assuring Americans that our health was in good hands under ObamaCare.
CNN’s Anderson Cooper admitted to a Daily Beast magazine interviewer on Monday that he’s gay. That was considerate. If he announced he’s gay on CNN no one would hear about it and Manhattan women would keep wasting their most fertile years hitting on him.
Mel Gibson’s stepmother asked a judge for a restraining order Tuesday and charged Mel with verbally abusing her and threatening to have her evicted from her home. She disregarded his orders about his ailing father’s medical care. He told her no Jewish doctors.
The Weather Channel announced that two thousand local heat records were broken last week on the Eastern Seaboard. It was really brutal. Three burial ceremonies had to be delayed in Maryland Monday because the funeral processions pulled into a Dairy Queen.
President Obama aired a campaign TV ad in a dozen states in which he tells a crowd how he saved the U.S. economy. The ad campaign is called Believe. Ever since the White House Correspondents dinner he wants to get laughs every time he says something onstage.
Mitt Romney was photographed jet skiing on a New England Lake on Monday. John Kerry’s been photographed wind-surfing, now Mitt Romney’s been snapped on a jet ski. Even in swim trunks you can pick out the Republicans, they are the ones with the oil slick.
Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise Friday to prevent their six-year-old daughter from being sent to Scientology indoctrination camp. Hollywood mothers are particular about the religious schools their daughters attend. Katie wants her daughter to go with her friends to recycling camp at the Al Gore Institute.
San Francisco mayor Ed Lee proposed adopting the New York Police Department’s stop-and-frisk program. It lets cops stop and frisk anyone on the street who’s dressed suspiciously. A lot of people can’t afford the cover charges to get into San Francisco bars anymore.
Detroit may open a zombie theme park on the city’s abandoned streets, where paying customers would be chased on foot by actors dressed as flesh-eating zombies until they flee into abandoned businesses for safety. It won’t help unemployment. Laid-off United Auto Workers won’t take the jobs unless they change the concept to donut-eating zombies.
The Social Security Administration revealed there are eight million Americans now receiving disability. There are also fifty million on food stamps. They wanted a source of income more stable than the checks they were getting for owning solar panel factories.
President Obama celebrated the Fourth of July by hosting a Naturalization ceremony for new U.S. citizens at the White House. It was a huge moment. They all came here to achieve the American dream, which is to fill up your car without having to rob a liquor store.
NASA astronaut Ed Lu launched a fundraising drive to get telescopes mounted atop satellites in orbit to warn us of asteroid attacks. He will administer the two hundred million dollars he says he needs to save Earth. Every day it doesn’t happen he can say it’s working.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.5.12

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