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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, June 29, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Supreme Court rendered its ruling on President Obama’s health care reform law Thursday. About the only thing more expensive than the cost of the bill was the votes for the bill. For all the money this fiasco has cost us we could have had another unnecessary war.
The BCS and NCAA agreed to a college football playoff plan on Tuesday. Current bowl games will provide a four-team playoff and end the annual public ridicule of the BCS picks. According to the BCS computer Newt Gingrich still has a chance to become president.
Congress scheduled a contempt vote on Attorney General Eric Holder. He refused to give Congress documents about the sale of weapons to drug cartels. It’s important for public officials to be able to get frank and confidential advice from their drug dealers.
Stockton halted bond payments, cut city benefits and adopted a day-to-day survival budget Tuesday. The city is deeply in debt and had to adopt austerity programs to force spending cuts. They were foolish to borrow money from Germany instead of China.
Central Park Zoo security police evicted a man in an Elmo suit for shouting anti-Jewish slurs as he walked through the zoo on Tuesday. It was a publicity stunt. It’s rumored that Mel Gibson just signed to play Elmo in Lethal Weapon Five: Murder on Sesame Street.
Sky News reported computer hackers stole 60 million euros from banks in Europe Tuesday. It vanished into walled accounts. Since the recession began, computerized bank robbery’s replaced sex as the No. 1 daydream that causes people to crash their cars.
GOP Sen. Rob Portman introduced a bill banning bath salt sales on Tuesday. Recently there were man-eating assaults by people high on bath salts chemicals. The ingredient responsible for the cannibalistic urge is believed to be hamburger at eight dollars a pound.
Rielle Hunter told ABC she and John Edwards broke up Sunday. He’s escaped the rich widow, his late wife, the loopy mistress and all federal charges. The Las Vegas Hilton just offered to name a theater after him if he’ll tell David Copperfield the secret of the escape.
Mitt Romney bought a Toyota truck for a 70-year-old super-fan who’s driven to all the candidate’s appearances this year. The GOP candidate didn’t have any choice. The man threatened that if he was not given a car he was going to back Oprah Winfrey’s candidate.
Mitt Romney denied claims by Democrats that he’d outsource the U.S. government. He is on the wrong side of this issue. The very idea of firing government workers and replacing them with dollar-a-day workers in China could carry every state but Maryland.
President Obama spoke at a fundraiser in Florida Tuesday where he mispronounced the world champion Miami Heat. He called them the Miami Heats. This is what happens whenever Indonesian school teachers whip you across the back if you get the plural wrong.
Sen. Claire McCaskill opted to skip the Demo-cratic Convention in Charlotte. She is the ninth white Democrat to avoid the convention with the president’s blessings. He is determined to achieve equal rights for all if he has to bring back segregation to do it.
Delta Airlines signed a deal Tuesday to be the carrier for English soccer teams. Their service is improving. Last year a Delta airliner had to make an emergency landing at a wildlife refuge in Hawaii and the lions were thrilled to see that Delta’s serving food again.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.29.12

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