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Argus Hamilton: The Lighter Side – 6.21.12

Argus Hamilton: The Lighter Side – 6.21.12

Posted: Thursday, June 21, 2012 7:00 pm
By: By Argus Hamilton

The Messenger 06.21.12

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama enjoyed his one hundredth round of golf since becoming president Sunday in Chicago. His handicap is an honest number. The scorecard shows President Obama shot the same score in Chicago as he does in Washington, fourteen trillion over par.
President Obama was reported Monday planning to legalize marijuana in October to mobilize young voters to vote for him. The administration is furious. Someone leaked the story before Warren Buffett could finish cornering the world market on frozen burritos.
Martha’s Vineyard residents were reported Monday to be refusing to rent homes to Secret Service agents this year, saying they party too hard. That’s silly. Martha’s Vineyard was founded by Methodist missionaries, so drinking and womanizing are the island’s two oldest traditions.
Charlie Sheen got rave reviews for his sitcom “Anger Management” in which he seems to be sober again. It’s a very enabling atmosphere in Hollywood. After two o’clock in the morning even the ATMs know what you’re buying, the bills come out already rolled up.
The Weather Channel reported Tuesday a record heat wave is roasting the Eastern Seaboard with triple digit heat. It’s just as bad on the other side of the world. It was so hot in Pakistan Tuesday that drone-fired missiles were coming in through the sunroofs.
Guantanamo Bay renovated the prison holding America’s captured terrorists. They got a new gym, soccer fields, cable TV, pool and free medical. Al-Qaeda is already telling prospective recruits that the cable TV package is the next best thing to seventy-two virgins.
The British Royal Navy halted an arms-packed Russian freighter bound for Syria and canceled its insurance Monday. It’s a grim move. The only thing that kept the U.S. Navy from being sunk in the War of 1812 is that all our ships were insured by Lloyds of London.
The Group of Twenty dinner in Mexico had Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin seated at the same table. It was tense. After dinner when the toastmaster asked for a few words from the onetime communist and ruthless assassin, they both stood up and started talking.
President Obama had lunch with Vladimir Putin at Tuesday’s world leaders’ summit in Mexico. There were the usual leaks. They dined on fried chicken, and the next issue of the New York Times published the complete list of the Colonel’s eleven secret herbs and spices.
Pew Research said Asians became the largest U.S. immigrant group this week, passing Hispanics. They’re very successful. President Obama heard the news and said that all children who arrived from Asia through no choice of their own need to pay their fair share.
Senator John Kerry agreed Sunday to play Mitt Romney in presidential debate rehearsals. He’ll be no help at all. Mitt Romney is not going to answer every question in the debate by pointing out how many medals he won in Vietnam.
Fox News said two Oregon men will fly four hundred miles in two lawn chairs that are tied to large balloons next month. There’s one snag. The TSA can’t allow them in the air unless someone gropes them before liftoff and charges them eight dollars for a bottle of water.
John Edwards was reported Tuesday to be considering returning to politics in North Carolina. Don’t bet against him. Any man who can talk a widow out of a million dollars and use it to hide his pregnant mistress from his dying wife while running for president, then convince his jury he did nothing wrong has, what we call in Los Angeles, good people skills.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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