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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, June 4, 2012 7:00 pm

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Queen Elizabeth was cheered in London for her Diamond Jubilee Friday. Sixty years ago she reigned over a quarter of the globe and now it’s down to an island. This explains why Queen Elizabeth’s portrait is on every share of Facebook stock issued since last week.
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg asked the New York health department to ban the sale of sugary drinks over sixteen ounces. He’s serious. If the measure is passed the fine for selling an over-sized soft drink in New York City would be fifty dollars, the same as murder.
Las Vegas hotel magnate Shelly Adelson vowed Friday to spend millions to help Mitt Romney get elected. The hospitality industry needs a boost. The economy is so bad in Las Vegas, the Bellagio Hotel has replaced the dancing waters with a fat guy holding a hose.
Tiger Woods dodged a press conference Wednesday to avoid discussing his training with the U.S. Navy SEALs six years ago. He’s saving the story for the future. Tiger would like to tell his grandchildren someday he injured his knee killing Osama bin Laden.
George W. Bush returned to the White House Thursday to enjoy the unveiling of his official portrait. It wasn’t his first choice. The artist did two portraits and President Bush preferred the one showing him crouched behind a wagon firing at attacking Indians.
President Obama gave gracious remarks welcoming George W. Bush and his family to the White House Thursday. Everyone appreciated the civility. It’s nice how a baseball man like George W. Bush and a basketball guy like Barack Obama can meet in the middle and enjoy hunting with drones.
President Obama met with President Bush in the Oval Office Thursday. They really get along. Barack Obama uses the same desk George W. Bush used only on Bush’s desk there was a bust of Winston Churchill and on Obama’s desk there is a bust of Winston Cigarettes.
President Obama flies his Chicago barber to Washington at his own expense weekly according to a report Friday by German Public Radio. It raised eyebrows. Out of habit German Public Radio blamed the haircuts on a conspiracy between England and the Jews.
Cherokee groups demanded that Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren drop her claim of Cherokee blood. It’s awkward. She billed herself as Harvard’s first woman professor of color and if she was any whiter she would be a sheet color in the Ku Klux Klan catalogue.
Mitt Romney put out a campaign iPhone app with Building a Better America scrolled across the screen. Unfortunately they misspelled America. It’s the first evidence that Dan Quayle’s on Romney’s short list for vice president and is helping out with the proofreading.
Mitt Romney visited the shuttered Solyndra plant Thursday which cost U.S. taxpayers half a billion. It’s just as well he got there too late to save it. Mitt Romney is bound by the venture capitalists’ oath to start firing people whenever he sees a company in failing health.
Space Tech private spaceship Dragon completed its flight to the International Space Station and back. You can tell it’s private enterprise. The capsule splashed down safely in the Pacific Ocean and went straight to Wal-Mart where it has a second job as a cashier.
President Obama wants drone aircraft like the ones that kill terrorists to patrol in the U.S. What a great idea. If the drones protect us from terrorists as well as the TSA does, in just six months they’ll be firing missiles at knee replacements and diabetes medications.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.4.12

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