Argus Hamilton Posted: Friday, May 25, 2012 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Wall Street endured a crazy day at the New York Stock Exchange Wednesday. Three guys died on the trading floor in all the excitement. The first guy had a heart attack at 70, the second guy had cancer at 60 and the third guy had Facebook at 45.
Facebook’s price stabilized at $32 a share Wednesday, giving investors a realistic stock value at last. No one had any idea what it was really worth. The only reason Facebook went public is because they couldn’t figure out the privacy settings either.
Facebook stock dove Tuesday after investors saw that Facebook’s profit ratio didn’t justify the stock price. That’s fixable. Mitt Romney had to be restrained from taking over the company, breaking it into two parts and then laying off Book in order to save Face.
Oklahoma City Thunder fans dodged bullets during a post-game rampage downtown Monday after beating L.A. Eight people were shot and cars were burned. The Lakers were not kidding after the game when they said that the torch has been passed to Oklahoma City.
The Beverly Hills Hotel marks its 100th birthday this month. Joe Kennedy and Howard Hughes lived in its bungalows. Adulterers worldwide are required once in their life to make a pilgrimage to Beverly Hills and walk around the hotel for three days.
President Obama gave the graduation speech to the Air Force Academy Wednesday in Colorado. He had fun. President Obama gets a much warmer reception at the service academies because it’s the only graduation where the seniors have jobs waiting for them.
President Obama lost 42 percent of the vote in primaries in Kentucky and in Arkansas Tuesday. He suffered similar embarrassment from Democrats in West Virginia, Oklahoma and North Carolina. As quickly as President Obama reversed course to back gay marriage, he may have to do the same thing with his position on the Confederacy.
The Coast Guard found 3,000 pounds of marijuana floating three miles off Newport Beach. They found 160 bales. Some of the bales had been bitten by sharks which nearly died of starvation due to their new live-and-let-live attitude.
President Obama leaked the CIA’s bin Laden kill video to a Hollywood producer. The movie makes the president look heroic. It’s just more evidence that Barack Obama was born somewhere else in that he has never heard of the curse on actors who play Superman.
DEA agents were found Monday to have hired Colombian hookers the same night the Secret Service did. Give them all medals. The U.S. learned that Colombian hookers don’t ship cocaine to the U.S. and they are not planning to harm the president, but it took all night.
The U.S. Senate got an apology from the Secret Service Wednesday for April’s hooker scandal. The agents are accused of engaging in non-consensual sex, sexually explicit emails and drunk driving. If convicted they could get six-to-12 years in the U.S. Senate.
Pizza Patron restaurants in Dallas stirred up controversy Tuesday by offering a free pizza to anyone who calls and orders the pizza in Spanish. It’s an ethnic theme. The pizza is delivered to your door by an illegal alien on his way to Oklahoma, so 30 minutes tops.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.25.12 | 
