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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, May 24, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
North Korea was reported Tuesday readying its launching pad for a new missile test next month. Their first six missiles went up for one minute and then crashed into the sea. North Korea has spent all week buying Facebook stock as part of their pre-launch drill.
Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg married long-time girlfriend Priscilla Chan in a secret ceremony in Palo Alto Saturday. They were engaged for nine years. Long engagements allow a couple enough time to discover each other’s character, which is never a good idea.
The L.A. Lakers were knocked out of the NBA playoffs by the Oklahoma City Thunder Monday. The OKC talent is spectacular. The Lakers lost their only chance to win when last year’s Dust Bowl didn’t force the Oklahoma players to seek a new life in Staples Center.
USA Today reported Monday that gridlock is down thirty percent due to the recession. The politicians won’t talk about it. The Tory Party is extinct in America because it’s the only party that had ever run on a platform boasting that fewer jobs means fewer cars in your way.
Senate Democrats moved to raise airline ticket prices five dollars to cover the TSA’s budget shortfall. It pays the screeners. The TSA tried to downplay the five-dollar cost saying it only comes to two-fifty a breast, the official prevailing rate set by Colonel Sanders.
Niagara Park Police said a man survived going over Niagara Fall in a suicide attempt Monday. He wound up alive in shallow water two miles down-river. The only thing more powerful than the will to live is the will to get away from the Canadian health care system.
San Francisco named a road after Nancy Pelosi in Golden Gate Park Sunday. Reaction was split. Democrats say Golden Gate Park provides a scenic place for San Franciscans to salute her, while Republicans expressed surprise the street isn’t in the city’s Castro District.
Christie’s in London will auction a vial of Ronald Reagan’s blood saved by a hospital lab technician. The timing was clever. The technician knew there’d come a time when the GOP primaries would be so awful that Republicans would come out in favor of cloning.
NASA warned there are five thousand asteroids in our solar system that could crash into the Earth at any time. Taxpayers aren’t buying it. Every government agency tells Congress at budget time that its constituents will kill us all if we don’t increase its funding.
President Obama and Mitt Romney tied in May fundraising totals Monday. It’s a real race. The president raised ten million dollars when he had dinner with George Clooney and the next day Mitt Romney raised ten million dollars when he had breakfast by himself.
Newark’s Democratic mayor Cory Booker told Meet the Press Sunday that President Obama’s attacks on Bain Capital were nauseating and that private equity groups do great work. The Obama campaign put him back on the air an hour later. The mayor recanted, but his eyes were blinking out the message that they were pointing a gun at the head of his dog.
President Obama goaded NATO Monday to back an anti-missile system in Poland and open a road from Afghanistan to Pakistan. He enjoyed the hard work. It’s a relief after attending L.A. fundraisers where all he hears is which doctor could give him a good ear tuck.
The London Mail quotes U.S. divorce lawyers who said Facebook facilitates fast-speed adultery. It reconnects old flames and allows people who meet in passing to friend each other and flirt. The lawyers said office romances used to take months to develop, but that was before all office buildings were converted into storage warehouses and homeless shelters.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.24.12

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