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Argus Hamilton 5.22.12

Argus Hamilton 5.22.12

Posted: Tuesday, May 22, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama billed himself as a Harvard graduate who was born in Kenya in his literary agent’s booklet years ago. It wasn’t true of course. He’d entered the Boston Marathon and thought his best chance to win was by scaring everybody else out of the race.
Facebook stock settled around forty dollars a share on Wall Street Friday after going public. Many say its value can only go down as more and more Americans lose their jobs and leave the workplace. They’re not going to waste their time at home going on Facebook.
Mick Jagger was profiled in a new book on Friday. It says he hires hookers but won’t pay full price because he thinks they overcharge him. Rock stars always say they don’t want to be role models, but they don’t realize how Secret Service agents look up to them.
The Justice Department threatened to seize the Gibson guitars from rock stars while they’re onstage this summer. The guitars are made of illegally harvested wood. After all, they are hand-made in Tennessee, where making anything legally takes all the fun out of it.
The John Edwards case went to the jury Friday. Prosecutors say he took one million dollars in cash from a rich widow to conceal his pregnant mistress from his dying wife. It’s the hardest anybody’s ever worked to become a greeter at the Bill Clinton Presidential Library.
Donna Summer was eulogized as the Disco Queen of the Seventies Friday. Life was so different back then. You didn’t meet total strangers on Facebook and reveal your secrets, you met them on the dance floor and then went home with them to see if they had cocaine.
John Travolta’s number of male sexual harassment lawsuits grew to five Friday. The plaintiffs each want one million. If every unwanted sexual advance in Hollywood was worth a million dollars, Beverly Hills would be six million square miles of beautiful houses.
The Mormon Bachelor premieres in July where a bachelor dates twenty-five women contestants. It’s a different world to most people. Mormons believe the Garden of Eden was in St. Louis and when Albert Pujols was cast out last year he stopped hitting home runs.
The Census Bureau said children born to minority parents are now a majority in the U.S. It could cause chaos. Harvard could be an all-white school again when all the merit students are white, the legacy students are white and the affirmative action students are white.
Reverend Jeremiah Wright re-injected himself into the presidential campaign Friday by ripping President Obama in an interview. No one thought he’d turn on Obama but he got tired of taking the church collection to the nearest Coin Star machine every Sunday.
President Obama hosted a Group of Eight Summit at Camp David Friday where the industrial leaders tried to halt the panic in Europe. The panic is well founded. They’d feel a lot safer if German central bankers weren’t massing along the borders of three countries.
Fidel Castro’s niece was granted a U.S. visa to speak at a sexual diversity conference in San Francisco. The Castro family has a long history of sexual diversity. Fidel did it to Batista, the Mafia, capitalism and three women that Jack Kennedy sent as a peace offering.
Herman Cain endorsed Mitt Romney for president Friday. He backed a nine percent sales tax, nine percent income tax and nine percent capital gains tax. It turns out that Cayman Island bankers funded the opposition research that uncovered all his mistresses.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at

Published in The Messenger 5.22.12

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