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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, May 18, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
O.J. Simpson filed for a new trial in Nevada Wednesday claiming that his defense team mishandled his case. It would face an obvious scheduling problem. The riot over O.J.’s next verdict can’t conflict with the riot over the presidential election results, whoever wins.
Roger Clemens’s trainer Brian McNamee testified about injecting Roger and Roger’s wife with steroids and HGH. He had to describe their buttocks. Everyone’s been watching the financial news for any sign of a turnaround and then when it finally happens it’s on ESPN.
Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg will begin selling stock in Facebook today. It’s changed the workplace. Ten years ago Americans sat at their desks all day playing video poker on their computers and now they sit at their desks all day stalking old flames on Facebook.
The Navy SEALs raid on Osama bin Laden will be depicted in the new movie Code Name Geronimo this fall. The terrorist lived with three wives in one house for five years and could not leave. It’s widely believed that Osama bin Laden called the U.S. Navy SEALs himself.
John Edwards’s defense lawyer rested his case on Wednesday. It’s uncontested that he charmed an old lady out of money to hide his pregnant mistress from his dying wife. If John Edwards’s stock were any lower his portrait would be on Greek government bonds.
DEA agents raided medical marijuana stores in Los Angeles Wednesday. The stores are legal by state law. The only way to get the feds to stop is to get Joe Biden to endorse marriage between same-drug couples and President Obama will have evolved by Tuesday.
President Obama welcomed the L.A. Galaxy and David Beckham on Tuesday. Obama teased him about his line of men’s underwear. One week of advertising that you’re America’s first gay president isn’t enough, you have to keep hammering home the message.
President Obama went on the View Tuesday where he implied he’s fighting a bigoted electorate by saying that elections are always tight when your name is Barack Obama. That is half-true. Elections are always tight when $4 a gallon has your name on it.
President Obama inserted himself in the biographies of past presidents on the White House website. He added sentences to the paragraphs on FDR, Truman and Ronald Reagan describing how he’s completing their work. He even mentions how the drone aircraft flying over the United States are completing the work of Nixon’s White House Plumbers.
Mitt Romney was urged by GOP conservatives on Wednesday to name Sarah Palin as his running mate for the upcoming campaign. The former Alaskan governor compares favorably to Romney. She won’t strap an animal to the top of her car until after she’s shot it.
Mitt Romney surged to an eight-point lead in North Carolina Wednesday in the first poll taken after President Obama backed gay marriage. The state is a lot more socially conservative than it used to be. Today local stations in North Carolina won’t broadcast any re-runs of the Andy Griffith Show that show Andy and Barney in a room alone together.
Prince William is interviewed by Katie Couric at Buckingham Palace on Tuesday. She also interviews Prince Harry in uniform at an undisclosed, lush tropical location. No one knows just who we are invading this week but it has all the appearances of a tax haven.
The Office of Personnel Management said the U.S. government paid $500 million dollars in performance bonuses to federal workers last year. They also spent millions on worker safety. There’s a yellow line down the middle of the hallway of every federal building so that the people arriving late for work don’t bump into the people leaving early.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 5.18.12

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