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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, May 17, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Henry Kissinger complained about his TSA pat-down at La Guardia Friday. He claims they aggressively fondled his genitals before letting him board a flight. When John Travolta heard about this he immediately converted to Islam and began flying commercial.
L.A. Lakers star Metta World Peace was booed by the OKC Thunder crowd Monday. He elbowed a Thunder player in the head two weeks ago. If it hadn’t happened World Peace would still be loudly booed in Oklahoma City, where they name churches after Dick Cheney.
President Obama was cheered during his speech to Barnard College on Monday. He advised the women what to wear and encouraged their fashion instincts. Newsweek just called him America’s first gay president and it appears that he’s decided to run with it.
George W. Bush urged the U.S. to support pro-democracy groups worldwide Tuesday at a speech in Washington. He’s making a big comeback unwittingly. Newsweek will put George W. Bush on their next cover proclaiming him America’s Last Straight President.
The CBS News poll said Mitt Romney now leads Obama with women voters. Pundits were split as to why. Either women voters want lower taxes and less government or they harbor a secret desire to be tied to the roof of a car and driven across the country.
President Obama raised fifteen million dollars at George Clooney’s house Saturday. There were one hundred stars. Twenty stars were already in town and the rest got a one-day pass from the Betty Ford Center as long as they agreed to drink nothing but the Kool-Aid.
Mitt Romney was endorsed by George W. Bush Tuesday as Bush was being followed to a hotel elevator by ABC News. He’s so modest compared to other former presidents. Bush actually took the elevator rather than have the taxpayers helicopter him to his floor.
Facebook’s Mark Zuckerman will become a multi-billionaire Friday when Facebook goes public and he sells twelve percent of his stock. He also turned twenty-eight this week. Once he cashes that check he will be a third of the way to paying off his student loan.
French president Francois Hollande’s plane was hit by lightning while he was flying to Germany. It can only mean one thing. As part of Germany’s austerity program they have ended their missile program and they’re relying on Teutonic gods to defend their borders.
Public Notice reported Tuesday the economy has badly hurt NASCAR races. Gas is so expensive you fear that they might switch to slow speed car chases. You know it’s bad when the Nevada race was postponed until O.J. Simpson gets out of jail to drive the pace car.
Arkansas Democrats campaigned for attorney John Wolfe against President Obama in Tuesday’s primary. It could work. We can always rely on Arkansas to provide us with a president who will save the economy and restore entertainment value to the White House.
The U.N. Commission on Indigenous People called for the U.S. to return Mt. Rushmore to the Sioux. It’s so insensitive. Indians may go back on the warpath if someone forces them to take possession of a monument to the four men responsible for the United States.
Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton signed a bill to build a billion dollar stadium for the Vikings Monday. They had to act before L.A. gets a stadium and tries to steal the Vikings. A Los Angeles stadium plan just passed environmental review but the Crips and Bloods still haven’t agreed to give up their exclusive concession rights to downtown Los Angeles.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 5.17.12

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