Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, May 16, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Texas Rangers discussed a long-term contract with Josh Hamilton that requires him to stay clean. The deal must have safeguards. If recovering cocaine addicts were attractions at the zoo, it would be against the law to feed them two hundred million dollars.
Newsweek ran a cover photo of President Obama under a rainbow halo, calling him America’s First Gay President. It really started something. Next week Time is going to show President Obama innocently giving John Travolta a backrub, unaware of what’s next.
CBS and NBC raised ad prices in NFL games to a million a minute Monday. Everybody knows how valuable NFL advertising has become. Peyton Manning just figured out he can make an extra million a game by changing the play at the line of scrimmage to Ford Bronco.
Mexican cops found the headless bodies of fifty people along a road just south of the U.S. border Sunday. It was the work of drug cartels who turned on people who shorted them. And this explains why Mexico’s bankruptcy laws are the envy of the financial world.
Johnny Carson’s three divorces, heavy drinking and womanizing were spotlighted by PBS Monday. This could only mean one thing. A hologram of Johnny Carson is the latest not-Romney candidate to enter the GOP presidential race and the media has begun vetting him.
Mitt Romney defined marriage at Liberty University on Saturday. It shows you can’t please everyone. He said marriage is one man and one woman, which infuriated gay couples for leaving them out and angered traditional Mormon men for shorting them two women.
President Obama called Mitt Romney a vampire who sucks the life out of companies at Bain. Someone in Chicago didn’t do their homework. Vampires are so popular with American women that Mitt’s decided to give his next three speeches wearing a black cape.
Senator Rand Paul told a GOP dinner he doesn’t see how President Obama’s actions could be any gayer. That’s unfair and untrue. The president did turn down an offer from three choreographers to have the Health Care Reform Law made into a Broadway musical.
West Virginia newspapers demanded tighter ballot registration laws after a prison inmate nearly beat Obama in last week’s Democratic primary. It’s a fine line. If they ban all criminals from getting onto the ballot, no one will be eligible to run for re-election.
The FAA made plans Monday to let local entities acquire drone planes. All the local TV stations in L.A. will get one. One day O.J. Simpson will be released from that Nevada jail and the TV station manager that misses O.J.’s drive back home will be looking for work.
President Obama’s departed speechwriter Jon Lovett sold a sitcom that’s set in the White House to NBC Sunday. He moved to L.A. after writing the Health Care law, the stimulus bill and the Dream Act. His comedy writing career in Washington had gone as far as it could go.
John Edwards’ lawyer began his defense in North Carolina Monday. It’s tough to for him to find any character witnesses. He found a Hollywood agent who would cheat on a dying wife with a groupie and then charm a hundred-year-old lady into giving them money to cover up the pregnancy, but it’s pilot season and he cannot leave Beverly Hills right now.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 5.16.12