Posted: Tuesday, May 15, 2012 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama changed his view on gay marriage before flying to Hollywood. He’s said he’s evolving. Every science classroom has a poster showing man’s evolution from ape to man, from man to a man-who-favors gay marriage, to dinner with George Clooney.
President Obama’s visit to George Clooney’s house outraged Los Angeles commuters Thursday because it closed roads for security reasons. The West Hollywood sheriffs seal off streets and boulevards for celebrities all the time. They are called DUI roadblocks.
President Obama raised fifteen million at George Clooney’s home Thursday. Intrigue filled the air. A prison inmate nearly won the West Virginia primary Tuesday and guests spent all evening whispering to Robert Downey Jr. that he has to run and save the country.
Texas inmate Keith Judd defeated Barack Obama in eight counties in West Virginia’s Democratic primary on Tuesday. He carried forty percent of the party’s vote statewide. President Obama could lose so many states in this coming election that Mitt Romney could mistake the vote as a sign that he’s converted the entire country to the Mormon faith.
Mitt Romney apologized Friday for some of the pranks he pulled back in high school, which were revealed Thursday. He was a merry prankster. His classmates remember the day he fired the entire school cafeteria staff and hired Sky Chef to make it more profitable.
Mitt Romney apologized Friday for wrestling a kid to the ground in prep school forty-seven years ago and cutting his long hair. Talk about one-upmanship. Just as Obama is saluted in Hollywood for backing gay marriage rights, Mitt reveals his past as a hairdresser.
Democrats urged party officials on Friday to cancel Charlotte as the site of this year’s convention after North Carolina voted to ban same-sex marriage. They’re willing to meet you halfway. In North Carolina it is legal to marry your cousin, just not your gay cousin.
John Boehner accused President Obama of diversions to avoid the economy. They’ve gone from the War on Women to Trayvon to gays. It’s got America so divided that Civil War re-enactors plan to bypass Gettysburg this year to re-enact the Battle over Health Care.
Mayan calendars were found by archaeologists in Guatemala Friday that extend well beyond December. This nullifies the Mayan prediction that the world will end this year. There goes the last chance to save Social Security from all the Baby Boomers soon to retire.
Harvard scientists reported drinking red wine helps you look younger. It also makes others better looking. The ability to make red wine is the only reason California wasn’t expelled forty years ago for long hair, drug use and not wearing any underclothes to school.
Time ran a cover photo of a woman breastfeeding a three-year-old boy standing on a step ladder. They’re promoting breastfeeding until a kid is six. Democrats no longer think they can impeach Wisconsin’s GOP governor so they’re going after the dairy industry.
The Houston Chronicle fired its high society reporter Thursday for moonlighting as a stripper in a club. People were amazed when they read the story online. Houston is so rich from the high oil prices they not only have high society, they still have a newspaper.
The U.S. Navy successfully tested a new interceptor Friday that can down any missile North Korea can launch. That’s if they ever get one in the air. Until now the Navy has destroyed every missile North Korea launched by airdropping SEALS a mile off their coast.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 5.15.12