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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, May 3, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Charlie Sheen vowed to sue a New York strip club which named its VIP privacy room after him. The star was last seen entering the Beverly Hills Hotel wearing sunglasses at night. People assume he was shooting his new sitcom, Two and a Half Secret Service Agents.
Delta Airlines bought an oil refinery in Pennsylvania from Phillips Monday to ensure cheaper fuel for its fleet of airliners to keep down costs. That’s a start. Now if Delta really wants to please customers they will now buy a peanut farm and a wider-seat factory.
Mitt Romney was joined by Rudy Giuliani in a visit to a Lower Manhattan fire station Tuesday. They addressed the No. 1 issue of the election. The firemen confirmed once and for all that the pet Dalmation prefers riding on top of the fire truck to being eaten.
President Obama’s campaign on Tuesday unveiled its slogan, Forward. It was quickly discovered also to be the name of the Hitler Youth’s marching song. Politicians need to learn it isn’t enough to run spell-check on your new slogan, you need to run Hitler-check.
Colombian hooker Dania Suarez complained Friday that Secret Service agent Arthur Huntington offered her $800 but he only paid her $28 when the evening was over. That’s easy to explain. Arthur is a government employee and $28 is the approved Medicare reimbursement rate for potency testing.
Amarillo Slim was eulogized after America’s first poker celebrity died Tuesday. The sport is seedy. Ten years ago Slim was charged with sexually touching a 12-year-old girl, and Tuesday he was remembered as the man who brought respectability to poker.
May Day protests by Occupy Wall Street tried to cripple the economy Tuesday. They called a general strike entailing no work, no banking and no shopping. No one would notice the difference unless they called a general strike for cashing unemployment checks.
Wells Fargo branches received envelopes with white powder in the mail Monday. They were supposed to arrive on May Day but arrived a day early. Postal workers are so afraid of government cuts they’re advertising they deliver white powder to targets faster than Federal Express.
The White House marked the one-year anniversary of the Navy SEALs raid that killed bin Laden Tuesday. The commandos landed on his roof and killed him in his bedroom. His three wives were found down in the basement updating their Facebook status to Single.
President Obama spoke on TV from Afghanistan about the bin Laden hit Tuesday. He was not spiking the football. Deion Sanders told him as long as he didn’t throw Osama’s head into the stands after blowing it off he wouldn’t be penalized for excessive celebration.
President Obama was interviewed on NBC News about the Osama bin Laden raid on Tuesday. He’s nothing if not stately. President Obama refused to re-frame the raid to incite partisan passions, saying simply that the killing of Osama bin Laden was for Trayvon.
Mitt Romney scoffed at Obama’s claim he wouldn’t have ordered the raid on bin Laden, saying even Jimmy Carter would have OKed the raid. That’s true. However, Jimmy Carter’s helicopters would have been diverted down to Saudi Arabia to pick up cash for his library.
Hillary Clinton flew to China Tuesday after a blind Chinese dissident escaped house arrest in Beijing and took refuge in the U.S. Embassy. Everybody’s wondering how a blind guy made it from a house to the U.S. embassy without a passer-by eating his seeing-eye dog.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.3.12