Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, May 1, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama today will mark the anniversary of Osama bin Laden’s killing. The raid united the country in one act. The president killed a terrorist in Pakistan which pleased the right wing and he killed a millionaire on May Day which pleased the left wing.
Osama bin Laden is profiled in the book Manhunt by Peter Bergen out today. It says he had four wives, dyed his hair to look younger, took Viagra, smoked pot and liked to watch himself on TV. He was able to hide for ten years on the front row of the Laker games.
President Obama ran an ad saying Mitt Romney wouldn’t have ordered a hit on Bin Laden. On the contrary he wouldn’t have stopped with bin Laden. Mitt Romney would have taken over Pakistan and fired all the terrorists to make the country more profitable.
The White House Correspondents Dinner seated Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian at the same table as Fox News guests Saturday. It can only mean one thing. It’s contract negotiation time again for Fox News anchors and the company’s thinking of going brunette.
President Obama was accused in GOP ads of running for president to fundamentally alter the free enterprise system on Friday. A candidate’s motives aren’t always clear. Today, we know that John Edwards ran for president just to party with the Secret Service.
Mitt Romney swept all five GOP primaries in the Northeast Tuesday as he sewed up the GOP nomination. The primaries were very hard-fought. Last week Newt Gingrich left the presidential race; however, he agreed to pay it alimony until it finds somebody else.
Los Angeles marked the twentieth anniversary of the L.A. riots Thursday that erupted when a white jury found L.A. cops innocent in the Rodney King beating. The beating was shown on tape. To make up for the Rodney King beating the city let O.J. Simpson kill his wife.
Roger Clemens went on trial for lying to the U.S. government after he told Congress he didn’t do steroids eight years ago. It isn’t fair. Roger Clemens didn’t prosecute the U.S. government for perjury after Congress told him that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction.
North Korea was exposed by German rocket analysts for displaying fake missiles in military parades. They fooled everyone for a while. It’s the clearest evidence yet that North Korean leaders are watching the World Poker Tournament on a pirated TV channel.
California dairy farms began testing their herds for Mad Cow disease Thursday after Mad Cow was diagnosed in one cow in the San Joaquin Valley. The symptoms can be scary. The veterinarians feared the worst when the cow took up painting and cut off its ear.
Colombia demanded an apology from the U.S. Thursday for the Secret Service turning Cartagena into an international hooker joke reference. The country does not want to be known for its legalized prostitution. It ruins its brand as the Cocaine Capital of the World.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 5.1.12

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