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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, April 20, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The U.N. climate chief urged President Obama to attend the Earth Summit this June in Rio. It’s the wildest town in the world. Even though the president hasn’t accepted the invitation and it’s two months away, the Secret Service flew straight to Rio to start making the arrangements.
NASA mounted the shuttle Discovery on a jumbo jet and flew it to Washington, D.C., for retirement Tues-day. The shuttle rode the plane piggyback as it circled low around the Washington Monument in a curtain call. It looked like two birds who needed to get a room.
The Bachelor was sued by two black rejected contestants who say the show has had no black contestants in 10 years. The show replied they did have one bachelor who was one-sixteenth Cherokee Indian. When the woman he selected divorced him she got his land.
The GSA’s $800,000 weekend in Las Vegas came to light in House hearings Tuesday. It was painful. The House members could only listen to stories of recklessly overspent taxpayer money for so long before they started awarding prizes for it.
President Obama’s campaign chided Mitt Romney for driving cross-country with his dog on the car roof. The GOP aired an audiobook tape of Obama discussing how he ate dog in Indonesia. He sat through the credits at the end of Old Yeller waiting for the recipe.
Mitt Romney led Barack Obama in Tuesday’s polls even though Barack leads Mitt by a wide margin in personal likeability. It’s a trend never seen by pollsters. More and more people think it would be cool to have a president with more money than the country.
Mitt Romney urged the Secret Service to fire the agents involved in the hooker scandal. It imperils a president. It just takes one crab to jump from a hooker to a Secret Service agent to the president’s jacket to the first lady’s shoulder, and the president’s dead.
Caribe Hotel maids told reporters Thursday they found empty whiskey bottles and cocaine in the suite where Secret Service agents partied. The maid’s account went worldwide. The moral of the story is, if you don’t pay the prostitute be sure to tip the maid.
Ted Nugent met with the Secret Service after telling the NRA that President Obama should be beheaded. It was a rookie mistake for a show business veteran. You always suggest a firing squad to the NRA and beheading to the Hand Axe Pro dealers convention.
President Obama wooed NASCAR fans by greeting Tony Stewart at the White House Tuesday. Every round gets more difficult in life. Getting elected America’s first black president was one challenge, now he needs the Confederate die-hard vote to get re-elected.
Arizona’s voter ID law was upheld Monday to try to halt illegal aliens from voting for president. The write-in votes give them away. Last election McCain and Obama finished second and third in Arizona, a million votes behind The Most Interesting Man in the World.
Kim Kardashian disclosed Monday that she plans to run for mayor of Glendale in five years. She must first get elected to Glendale’s city council because they rotate as mayor. All she has to do now is to learn about government, since she already knows how to rotate.
Osama bin Laden’s three widows and nine children awaited a Pakistan court order for their deportation from Pakistan on Tuesday. They are leaving for financial reasons. Pakistan is so backwards that their Social Security program doesn’t have survivor benefits.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 4.20.12

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