Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, April 19, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Titanic Memorial Cruises held services Sunday at the spot where the original Titanic hit the iceberg. It was the first time a captain ever ordered that women and children be first on the lifeboats. It also marked the moment the female impersonator was invented.
Georgia enacted a law Monday requiring welfare recipients to pass a drug test to get benefits. Welfare recipients are converting their EBT cards to cash to buy drugs. The only time the money goes faster from the taxpayer to the drug dealer is in Medicare Part D.
Tupac Shakur was brought back to life onstage via hologram technology Friday. The crowd went wild over how well it performed. Once superstars grasp how replaceable hologram technology makes them they might poison their kids in pre-emptive self-defense.
The Court of Appeals upheld Arizona’s photo-ID voting law but ruled you don’t need proof of citizenship. You aren’t allowed to vote if you campaign near the polling place. Any photo-ID of you sitting on a burro could be considered campaigning for the incumbent.
Newt Gingrich stopped by the St. Louis Zoo Sunday where he was bitten on the finger by a penguin when he reached down to pick it up. The guard testified he heard Newt’s stomach growling when he walked in. All charges against the penguin have been dropped.
John Edwards got his hair cut at a Raleigh SuperCuts on Tuesday. He once got a four hundred dollar haircut in a famous Beverly Hills salon. Normally they charge you two hundred, but if you dress nicely and mispronounce Wilshire they charge you four hundred.
The Boston Marathon was run in such high heat Sunday that many runners dropped out before it started. One runner fainted in the street a mile from the finish line. Later a Kenyan fainted at the same spot and beat his time to the ground by two-fifths of a second.
Congress held hearings on a GSA Las Vegas meeting two years ago. They lavished tax dollars on clowns and mind readers. The clowns were there to distract the pit bosses from the mind readers who were helping the GSA executives count cards at the blackjack tables.
President Obama tried to blame Big Oil for high gas prices Tuesday. Until Election Day oil companies should dye their oil green and put solar panels on their roofs. It’s like fooling the Germans into thinking we’re going to invade at Calais instead of Normandy.
President Obama gave a speech at Hooker’s Point at the Port of Tampa Friday before he flew to Colombia. The next day the Secret Service prostitute scandal exploded. When the agents heard the president was at Hooker’s Point, they instinctively rushed to his side.
Congress scheduled hearings into the Secret Service agent’s wild party in Cartagena last week. He refused to pay a hooker forty-seven bucks he owed her. The Obama administration picked an odd time to stop spending money and start reducing the deficit.
Mitt Romney told Diane Sawyer in an ABC News interview Monday that he’d accept Lorne Michaels’ invitation to appear on Saturday Night Live as long as the sketch is funny. There are no guarantees. Since John Belushi died, it’s been a crapshoot every week.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 4.19.12

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