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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, April 18, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Secret Service was humiliated into recalling agents from Colombia Friday when one agent drank all night with a hooker in a hotel room, sparking a brawl. The agent’s already heard from one former president. Martin Sheen called and asked him to be his son.
The New York Times said the White House has a cash-for-access policy that allowed donors direct White House visits. It’s cash for favors. Eleven Secret Service agents were just recalled from Colombia for not charging hookers enough for being that close the president.
The Secret Service detail in Colombia included an agent who refused to pay a hooker fifty bucks he’d agreed to pay her. It says a lot. In a time where the U.S. is sixteen trillion in debt, at least prostitutes have confidence in the full faith and credit of the United States.
President Obama vowed Sunday he’ll be angry if his Secret Service agents partied in Colombia with hookers. Younger agents are confused. They thought they were on their best behavior by partying with alcohol and hookers when cocaine is so cheap in Colombia.
Hillary Clinton partied at a Cuban nightclub in Colombia which has Castro’s flag and picture on the wall. She drank beer, danced the rumba and played the maracas with the Cuban band. Ozzie Guillen had to be chloroformed to keep from declaring his love for her.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un unveiled another long range missile Sunday. Their last several ICBMs have failed after launch and fallen into the ocean. The missiles are starting to form a barrier reef that could protect the country from an amphibious invasion.
Tim Tebow was loudly booed at Yankee Stadium Sunday when he was shown on the giant video board while attending Sunday’s game. The New York fans have had enough. They stopped everything for him on Easter weekend and now they want to get back to baseball.
Frank McCourt’s sale of the Dodgers was okayed by a U.S. bankruptcy judge over MLB protests Friday. It allows him to escape debt, pays off his ex-wife and walk away with a billion dollars and half of the stadium parking lot. Even O.J. can’t believe he got away with it.
The Postal Service placed Ted Williams on a U.S. stamp Friday. He was eccentric even in death. His head was cryogenically frozen in a Scottsdale lab and stored upside down so that he can be brought back to life in case science ever discovers a cure for decapitation.
Dick Cheney told the Wyoming GOP convention Saturday there is plenty of oil still in the ground to meet U.S. energy needs. Statistics bear this out. America uses forty percent of the world’s oil and we’ve only invaded fifteen percent of the world’s oil-producing nations.
Mitt Romney angered the GOP right-wing by saying he needs to move past the Fox News crowd. Conservatives have nowhere to turn. They were all set to push for Pat Robertson in a brokered convention and then he said he was for troop withdrawals and legalizing pot.
American Nazi Party leader John Bowles registered as a congressional lobbyist with the House Clerk Friday to represent party interests. It’s hard to believe that the Nazis have a lobbyist on Capitol Hill. Until now no one’s ever seen jackboots with tassels on them.
Masters champ Bubba Watson posted a photo of his old Dodge Charger, the General Lee from The Dukes of Hazzard, with the Rebel flag roof. He bought it at auction. Bubba’s about to learn that it just takes one photo for the Eastern media to convert your image from being a welcome change from Tiger Woods to an alarming change from Tiger Woods.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 4.18.12