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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, April 6, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mitt Romney gained momentum Tuesday, winning more GOP delegates in Wisconsin and Washington. It didn’t end there. Mitt also received the endorsements from three people in Illinois and Kansas and Maryland the minute they won the Mega Millions Lottery.
President Obama challenged the Supreme Court’s authority to overturn a law passed by Congress Monday. He decided to backtrack the next day. President Obama’s threat to take over the Supreme Court fizzled when he found out the government already owns it.
The Titanic Memorial Cruise sets sail from England this weekend. They will re-trace the voyage of the doomed ocean liner that hit an iceberg off the coast of Newfoundland and sank. California schools teach children that the captain was telegraphing while driving.
Discovery Channel launched an effort Tuesday to protect the Titanic from salvagers. They are looting artifacts and taking jewelry off the skeletons. Kentucky fans were frustrated at first that the ship wouldn’t catch on fire, but then they found the jewelry and felt better.
Kentucky Wildcats students and alums rioted in Lexington after they won the NCAA crown. The police were ordered not to shoot. Each kid owes the U.S. government a hundred grand in student loans and the cops were under orders not to let them out of it.
The Masters starts today at Augusta National with rain being forecast. All the greens have an underground system called Sub-Air which sucks all the water out of the grass. The IRS heard about the system and ordered 300 million of them at twice the listed price.
DEA agents raided a popular Oakland medical marijuana store Monday and stormed into a pot trade school and shut it down as well. It never should have happened. The one person in town who has to stay straight is the lookout.
Staples Center owner Philip Anschutz said Tuesday he is willing to buy an NFL team for Los Angeles to make his downtown stadium work. It was designed by Southern Californians. It will have a retractable roof that makes the stadium look ten years younger.
President Obama told editors in Washington Ronald Reagan wouldn’t be considered conservative enough for today’s Republicans. Is he kidding? If Ronald Reagan were president today, Iran’s nuclear program would be a tourist attraction for deep-sea divers.
President Obama and Mexico’s President Felipe Calderon discussed border violence at the White House. The visit is a ritual. Once a year the U.S. president goes to Mexico to visit our jobs and once a year the president of Mexico comes to the U.S. to visit his people.
General Services Ad-ministration head Martha Johnson resigned Monday in a flap a GSA conference in Las Vegas. She’s in charge of all the office furnishings, office supplies and computers for all government offices. No one does more to support Internet shopping.
Texas Gov. Rick Perry was revealed to have been on painkillers at last year’s GOP debates due to back trouble. His experience as governor forged his message. If we don’t fix Social Security the nation will never have the money to execute our children’s children.
Dr. Conrad Murray was denied bail Monday while he appeals his four-year sentence for manslaughter of Michael Jackson. The court has tried to work with him. However, he refused to plead guilty to a lesser charge of accidentally quadrupling a celebrity’s worth.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.5.12

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