Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, April 3, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Mega Millions lottery jackpot made it to six hundred fifty-six million dollars before Friday’s drawing. The odds against winning are insane. You’re two hundred times more likely to be struck by lightning, especially if you say something bad about Tim Tebow.
Frank McCourt sold the L.A. Dodgers for two billion dollars Tuesday. He cleverly used bankruptcy to set up an auction that ended up tripling the team’s value. Plan B was to cover Dodger Stadium in aluminum foil and tell the government it’s a solar panel company.
Michelle Obama and her daughters stopped off in Las Vegas Thursday. Morale in Sin City is low. The hotels are way below capacity, the Bellagio water shows are cut back, and the volcano in front of the Mirage only erupts when somebody qualifies for a mortgage.
Charlie Sheen promoted his new TV sitcom Anger Management on the Today Show Thursday. He said he gave up drugs but is having a tough time drinking moderately. Ever since he began moonlighting as a Jet Blue pilot, the flight attendants keep refilling his glass.
Apple was audited Friday by labor investigators who found that the company uses slave labor in its China factories. Apple has a hundred billion dollars of cash. This explains why Rhett Butler and Ashley Wilkes led the committee that greeted Steve Jobs when he got to heaven.
The Washington D.C. Department of Health on Friday selected six companies that will be allowed to sell medical marijuana in the District. The people know their constitutional rights. Citizens in cities with legal pot do nothing but sit on the couch all day and watch Law and Order.
The Huffington Post said a drone-maker in San Francisco has created a Taco Copter. With one swipe of an app the drone can use GPS coordinates to deliver tacos anywhere in the city. It’s the first known instance of converting drug-dealing technology to civilian use.
The DNC hosted a Hoodie Rally at a park in Charlotte Friday in an attempt to register Democratic voters. It was a mistake asking North Carolina Democrats to wear their hoods. They don’t normally burn crosses in Charlotte public parks unless it’s Fifties Night.
House Democrats called on Florida to pass California’s handgun ban law and cancel the state’s combative Stand Your Ground law. The ban carries a few exceptions. The law exempts California hunting and shooting events such as changing lanes on the freeway.
The IOC declared Friday the Summer Games in London won’t require female beach volleyball players to wear bikinis. The committee said it’s about the sport and not about exploiting women’s bodies. In TV network circles it’s known as Custer’s Last Speech.
Hillary Clinton met Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah Friday in Riyadh to discuss high oil prices, the threat posed by Iran, and the crisis in Syria. It fell to her. Barack Obama offered to go, but the king would only meet with the recognized head of the U.S. government.
Mitt Romney was a guest on the Tonight Show Tuesday where he praised New Jersey Governor Chris Christie as a tough politician. He’s the favorite to become Mitt’s running mate. It’s a really good thing to have Chris Christie on your side, unless you are in a life raft.
House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan endorsed Mitt Romney Friday, seen as a vote of confidence by economic conservatives. All the GOP establishment is falling in line behind Romney. The Republicans want to be able to enjoy the Masters this week without having to listen to Rick Santorum declaring that Satan is the greatest hazard of all.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.3.12

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