Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, March 30, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The L.A. Dodgers were sold for $2 billion Tuesday to Magic Johnson’s group of investors. It includes the stadium and parking lot. They actually bought the team for $3 billion but when you add on the value of the L.A. real estate, it comes to $2 billion.
Tiger Woods was listed as the favorite to win the Masters following last Sunday’s win at Bay Hill. There’s no doubt that the old Tiger was back. He was hitting the greens, hitting the fairways, sinking putts and seeing a dozen swing coaches behind his swing coach’s back.
The NFL moved the fall season opener between Dallas and New York back one day so as not to conflict with President Obama’s convention speech. They’re annoyed with the president. He collected a bounty for killing Osama bin Laden and that is against NFL rules.
Jet Blue passengers subdued their pilot in mid-flight to Las Vegas when he came out of the cockpit screaming about al-Qaeda. There were 40 convention-bound airport security officers on board. The security officers did what they were trained to do, they grabbed his breasts.
Mitt Romney was reported Tuesday making plans to triple the size of his home in La Jolla. He’s adding a car elevator, common in split-level homes there. In solidarity with this week’s civil rights protests people in La Jolla are parking their Porsches with the hoods up.
Congressman Bobby Rush was dragged from the House floor by security for wearing a hoodie during his speech Wednesday. It’s strict. House rules don’t let you wear a hat on the floor because the voters have a right to see how the hair replacements are progressing.
Former President George H.W. Bush endorsed Mitt Romney for president last night at a Republican Party dinner in Houston. Two weeks ago Jeb Bush endorsed Mitt. This means Mitt Romney is just one Bush away from winning the Invade Iraq Trifecta.
President Obama remarked in Seoul Tuesday that North Korea was living in a time warp that’s missed 50 years of progress. He’s not sure how to advise them. They’ve spread the wealth around for 60 years and he thinks they should be doing better by now.
Rick Santorum admitted Tuesday he’d be happy to serve as Mitt Romney’s running mate. He’s had staff problems during the GOP campaign. When he said America was in the clutches of Satan, it revealed he was hiring mullahs in Iran to punch up his speeches.
Newt Gingrich announced Tuesday he has to lay off campaign staffers due to his lack of donations. He’ll still be competing in the primaries. Newt didn’t lay off everybody, he will travel with the one campaign staffer who hasn’t left his side all year, his pastry chef.
The Supreme Court heard arguments on mandatory health insurance this past week. Every month people are getting rising insurance premiums in the mail to cover the formerly uninsurable. Dick Cheney got his last heart attack just from opening the envelope.
Dick Cheney was reported Tuesday making a fast recovery from his heart transplant at a hospital in Virginia. As soon as he regained consciousness he gave the doctor the peace sign and phoned Jane Fonda to congratulate her on landing the role of Nancy Reagan.
Pope Benedict met Fidel Castro in Cuba Tuesday even after he was excommunicated 50 years ago. He was lucky to survive the early ’60s. Ordering the assassination of Fidel Castro was part of Bobby Kennedy’s daily workout regimen in the White House gym.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.30.12

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