Argus Hamilton Posted: Tuesday, March 27, 2012 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Nancy Pelosi’s daughter Alexandra enraged Democrats with her HBO documentary about welfare recipients in New York who refuse to look for work. She videotaped them saying they deserve a free ride because their ancestors were slaves. It’s a warning to all parents about what happens when kids get out of film school and they can’t find a job.
Congress passed a bill banning insider trading by House members Thursday. There is one loophole. The new law prevents House members from buying stocks, bonds, real estate or precious metals while Congress is in session, but they can still trade interns.
President Obama saw the new Buckeye Special car built at Ohio State University last week. It goes three hundred miles an hour. Now auto engineers at Oklahoma, Alabama and Texas are building rocket cars to keep Ohio State from getting a recruiting advantage.
California’s attorney general forced dating websites to agree to cross-check member applications with sex-offender databases Friday. It’s for client safety. The Internet is a place where men are men, where women are men, and where children are FBI agents.
Tim Tebow was welcomed at Jets headquarters Friday where the team assigned Tim a chaperone to help him adjust to New York. He’ll find the churches breathtaking. There was only one statue of the Blessed Virgin where he went to school in Florida and it’s of him.
Whitney Houston’s autopsy report found cocaine in her system Thursday but ruled that she drowned in her hotel bathtub. It’s sad. The first thing they teach in California physical education class is never go swimming until thirty minutes after you’ve done cocaine.
Senator John McCain’s daughter Meghan McCain is posing nude in the April issue of Playboy. She will also tell the magazine her sexual likes and dislikes. What everyone wonders is, what on earth did John McCain do in his past life to deserve this much torture?
Personality and Behavior Bulletin said people become more politically conservative with every drink they consume. This could bring back Prohibition. Democrats don’t like finding out that it takes just two beers to undo twelve years of public school education.
India’s Elite Football League was formed Friday which will field twelve pro football teams in India. They hired Sandy Grossman of Fox Sports to create sample footage for advertisers. It’s the first-ever case of people in India calling America for technical support.
President Obama turned pro-oil exploration in Oklahoma Thursday. He’d argued for weeks there was no silver bullet to lower gas prices. However after three days in the real world he was boasting he’d laid down more pipe than any president since Bill Clinton.
Etch-a-Sketch’s stock doubled Friday when the toy was compared to Mitt Romney by his aide. Everything Mitt touches turns a profit. If the aide had said Mitt Romney was like an Etch-a-Sketch on the dashboard of a Chevy Volt, taxpayers would have their money back by now.
President Obama commented on the Florida shooting of black teen Trayvon Martin by a Hispanic man yet to be arrested. Obama said if he had a son, he’d look like Trayvon. It is a new approach to dealing with a tragedy by calling attention to your own good looks.
Maryland State Police said Friday that an armored car spilled a huge amount of U.S. currency on a Maryland freeway. A witness said it looked like a snow globe of cash. It was an experiment to see if anything could draw a crowd to see a Washington Wizards game.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.27.12 | 
