Posted: Thursday, March 15, 2012 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Hooters sponsors a National Hooky Day on Friday for fans who want to cut work and watch the NCAA tournament. Calls came flooding into the U.S. Capitol to complain about Hooky Day. The Mayflower Madam thought she’d been invited to address Congress.
Saudi Arabia announced plans to send female athletes to the Olympics this summer for the first time. They don’t normally like to see their women in running shorts and tank tops. At the conclusion of the closing ceremonies the athletes will all be executed.
Chicago started celebrating St Patrick’s Day a week early Sunday with the South Side Irish parade in eighty-degree weather. The city’s annual week-long party starts with dyeing the Chicago River green. When alcohol does its taxes, it lists Ireland as a dependent.
The White House refused to say which wine was served at the state dinner for Great Britain. Everybody is so sensitive. They didn’t want to offend the British by serving a French wine and they did not want to offend cocaine dealers by serving a California wine.
The White House blocked a Texas law requiring voters to show government issued photo-ID at the polls. It’s obvious why. As hard as the Democrats are working to turn out the illegal alien vote, the last thing they need is a state law that sends out mixed signals.
President Obama met high school kids competing in the Intel Science Talent Search contest in Washington D.C. The students just rolled their eyes when Obama challenged them to develop green energies. The kids know damn well that the money is in armaments.
President Obama’s approval rating slid to an all-time low of forty-one percent in the CBS News poll. He had a bad week. The president is right to be concerned because the moment it hits forty percent, Hillary starts getting her hair done and wearing bright colors.
President Obama cited China Tuesday for banning the export of rare earth minerals needed by U.S. manufacturers to make flat-screen TVs. He’s just fighting for the American consumer. Everyone in Los Angeles has a flat screen because they’re so light and loot-able.
Mitt Romney told a crowd in Mobile Monday he ate catfish for the second time in his life with the governor of Mississippi. The fish is a bottom-feeding scavenger that will devour anything in its path. Whenever politicians eat catfish they feel a little like cannibals.
Mitt Romney wouldn’t speculate on Peyton Manning’s future Monday, saying some of his best friends are NFL owners. Weeks ago he said some of his best friends are NASCAR team owners. Ever since Mitt Romney released his tax returns he has a lot of new friends.
A New York Times poll taken in the wake of the Georgetown law student testimony showed only twenty-one percent of women back Obama’s free contraceptive mandate. It’s revealing. This shows that eighty percent of women just got their rate hike in the mail, and that one percent didn’t have their reading glasses on when they opened the envelope.
The L.A. Times reported Friday that a California ballot measure to legalize marijuana isn’t getting enough signatures to make it onto the ballot. It’s the same old problem. The activists who gather up all the signatures keep forgetting where they left the petitions.
The Nixon Library released love letters Dick Nixon sent his love Pat when he courted her. He used to slip into her apartment house unannounced to see her at night. Nixon was a lot better at breaking into buildings unnoticed before he got so busy he began delegating.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.15.12