Posted: Thursday, March 1, 2012 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tim Tebow mingled with Hollywood stars Sunday when he was a guest at the Vanity Fair Oscar party. It was a nice exchange. The stars explained to Tim how to get free designer suits and he explained to them if you never get married you can’t lose your house.
Sarah Palin is played by Julianne Moore in Sunday’s HBO movie Game Change about the 2008 race. It made the governor a star. Today it costs twenty-five thousand dollars to have dinner with Sarah Palin, and for an extra thousand, she will shoot the main course.
Mike Tyson will do stand-up comedy about his life, his rape convictions and his drug use at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas in April. The hotel is sure he can fill the showroom. O.J. Simpson plays to one thousand people a day in Las Vegas, but that’s in the exercise yard.
The Supreme Court refused to allow Michigan to close its lake locks on Chicago-area waterways to keep the Asian carp out of the Great Lakes. The fish eat everything in the Chicago River. The fish are Asian and have absolutely no respect for a union burial ground.
The CIA reported that al-Qaeda could set off a nuclear pulse bomb in outer space and disable the electronic grid. It would mean no cell phones, no texting and no e-mailing. Al-Qaeda has no motive to do this, but the Postal Service does, and they’ve got friends at NASA.
President Obama and Arizona Governor Jan Brewer avoided each other at the White House governors meeting. She’s furious about illegal aliens. They’re trampling and littering ranches in Arizona on their way back to Mexico to get away from the U.S. economy.
President Obama told Univision Tuesday that his presidency isn’t over yet and he still has five years to go. It’s true. He has a lawyer from ACORN who tells him that they can’t get him out of the house for five years as long as he declares bankruptcy every six months.
Mitt Romney admitted his wealth again Monday, saying he has good friends who are NASCAR team owners. Once he released his tax returns he was a free man. He’s been hiding in the middle-class for decades and he didn’t want to die in the closet like Liberace.
Mitt Romney told conservatives Tuesday he is not going to set his hair on fire to win the GOP nomination. Thank goodness. With all the oil in his hair it would a take Texas fire crew two weeks to put him out, giving President Obama another excuse to ban drilling.
Whitney Houston’s studio rushed to release her last movie, Sparkle, to capitalize on her tragic death. The movie capital truly hates it when stars overdose. Hollywood believes as an article of faith that it just takes a few lightweights to spoil everybody’s fun.
Wikileaks source Private Bradley Manning was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize Tuesday. He was just arraigned in U.S. military court last week for his classified documents spill. If he wins, the U.S. may have a Nobel Peace Prize winner in prison for treason, which would get the U.S. expelled from the U.N. if the restaurants in New York City weren’t so good.
Iran’s government claimed the Iranian filmmaker’s Oscar for best Foreign Language Movie was a victory for Iran. Everyone was thrilled the mullahs watched the telecast. It means there were at least a few people in the audience who hadn’t heard the jokes before.
Fox News reported Tuesday the planned Canadian oil pipeline is getting a new route through Oklahoma and Texas. The decision to begin construction was a calculated gamble. President Obama refused to approve the oil pipeline but the oil industry figures he won’t be re-elected, and if he is re-elected he probably can’t stop the secession movement.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 3.1.12