Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, February 29, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Hollywood hosted the Academy Awards Sunday followed by the Governor’s Ball and five official after-parties. City workers deserve a big thank-you. It takes two weeks to roll out all the red carpet onto the sidewalks and ship all the homeless people to Las Vegas.
Meryl Streep won the Best Actress Oscar Sunday for playing Lady Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady. The movie dwells on her later life in which she’s senile and addled. Hollywood is just trying to demonstrate to American youth that conservatism rots your brain.
Iran’s government claimed the Iranian film’s Oscar for Best Foreign Language Movie was a victory of Iran over Zionism because it beat an Israeli film. It’s not as big a victory as the Mullahs think. The movie is about Iranian filmmakers fleeing to Tel Aviv to get work.
Hillary Clinton was reported Sunday plotting a coup to overthrow President Bashar Assad of Syria. She hopes to get it right this time. The last time Hillary Clinton overthrew a president, the lamp missed high and outside and smashed into a portrait of Washington.
President Obama discussed his family life Sunday saying being president’s a delicate balancing act between family and work. Last week he had to interrupt his schedule to sit in on a parent-teacher conference. Apparently Joe Biden is being held back a grade.
President Obama’s approval rating dropped five points in the Gallup Poll on Monday as high gas prices tore up the U.S. economy again. It’s affecting everyone. The price of gasoline is getting so high that the Chevron station in Beverly Hills is selling it by the gram.
President Obama re-formed African-Americans for Obama Monday. He needs them again. African-Americans for Obama is the group that helped him get the nomination four years ago when they outraised Cheated-On Wives for Hillary by a four-to-one margin.
Rick Santorum said Sunday he wanted to throw up when he first saw JFK insisting on separation of church and state. JFK said it to Protestant ministers in the 1960 campaign. Throwing up is a strong reaction, but Gerber’s strained carrots aren’t a hit with every baby.
Rick Santorum sponsored a Ford Fusion in the Daytona 500 driven by race car driver Tony Raines. It had his name across the front hood of the car. Rick Santorum hasn’t had his name on a hood since Catholic school when he played the judge in a mock trial of the Jews.
Newt Gingrich told a Georgia congregation Sunday he has fallen short of the Glory of God. He admitted his sins and now he finds himself leading in all the Super Tuesday states. If you want to carry the South it’s always good to remind the Cavaliers that you are one of them.
The Boston Red Sox banned alcohol from the clubhouse this year after last season’s late collapse. Also, the team won’t be allowed to drink on plane flights. This is the time of year when the catchers report to spring training and the pitchers report to Betty Ford’s.
A U.S. Marine rescued a boy who fell into the lion cage at the National Zoo Tuesday. He jumped over the fence, punched the lion, and snatched away the boy. The next day the Washington Post reported that a Marine attacked an African immigrant and stole his lunch.
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner said Saturday the rich should pay more in taxes for the privilege of being an American. The White House had better be careful. If they raise taxes on these people any higher they are going to have the privilege of being Bermudans.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 2.29.12

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