Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, February 24, 2012 7:01 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Auto Club reported gas prices at the pump soared for the fifteenth straight day Wednesday. It upsets the owners of electric cars. The moment gas prices hit four dollars a gallon, people think they bought the car because they don’t have money.
Indianapolis hosts the NFL scouting combine Wednesday where top college players are evaluated for NFL potential. The quarterbacks are being highly protected. New knee pad designs protect them in case they drop down to one knee for prayer and God hasn’t told the linebacker the play is over.
Los Angeles public schools had their sixth sex scandal in four weeks involving teachers and students Wednesday. It’s completely out of control. Last week one high school kid was discovered to be having an affair with two of his teachers and he was expelled for cheating.
Whitney Houston’s home was put up for sale for two million dollars Monday. The realtor advertised one room as the place where she began her fifteen-year drug spiral. Buyers think they can dump the vacuum cleaner bag and there’ll be enough cocaine in there to pay the mortgage.
White Castle fast-food hamburgers in New York added beer and wines to its menus Wednesday. The economy is pushing everyone further and further downscale. First restaurants like Denny’s stole business from nice restaurants, then McDonald’s stole business from Denny’s, and now White Castle is stealing business from homeless kitchens.
The GOP candidates held a debate in Arizona on CNN Wednesday where the candidates sat at a table rather than stand at a podium. They’re punchy. When they sat down at the table and the audio engineers came over with their microphones, all four candidates asked to see the senior menu.
Newt Gingrich compared himself to Ronald Reagan in his speeches across the South last week in a bid to sweep Super Tuesday. It’s a tough sell. So far they’re not buying his argument that two ex-wives will make him twice as good a president as Ronald Reagan.
Donald Trump campaigned furiously for Mitt Romney in Michigan Wednesday, even pitching Romney in robo-calls to voters at home. His calls are not welcome. As soon as people answer the phone and hear his voice, they think they’ve been fired.
Rick Santorum was shown on a four-year-old tape Tuesday telling Catholic college girls that Satan is targeting the USA. He refused to back down from the statement. Iran can’t believe they could face a U.S. president next year who thinks they’re too loosey-goosey in their religious beliefs.
Iran refused demands to shut down its nuclear weapons program Tuesday inviting tougher sanctions to cripple their economy. War isn’t necessary. President Obama could force Iran to adopt his environmental program to protect the Persian Gulf, and that will bring them to their knees in six weeks.
Italian authorities announced Tuesday they seized six trillion dollars in worthless U.S. Treasury bonds from terrorists from the Middle East intending to purchase nuclear components. The bonds are not completely worthless for weapons. If you shred them they can be fired from confetti cannons.
New York’s Archbishop Timothy Dolan was elevated to Cardinal Sunday, starting talk that he could become the next pope. There’s growing evidence Catholics have replaced Jews as the Chosen People. Every fifteen minutes someone drives by the Home Depot and chooses one of them.
New Jersey’s Department of Tourism reported a huge honeymoon business in hotels used in the series Jersey Shore. It was never known as a romantic destination. In New Jersey, popping the question means asking the woman you intend to marry if she’s wearing a wire.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.24.12

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