Posted: Friday, February 17, 2012 7:01 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mount Vernon announced plans to host a big party on George Washington’s birthday Wednesday. Americans will always regard him with special admiration. He’s the only president who didn’t blame the problems of the country on the previous administration.
The Indianapolis Colts said Peyton Manning could stay if he turns down a twenty-eight million-dollar signing bonus. Go for it. He’d be so popular if he did, he could get elected to Congress and make back the twenty-eight million dollars via insider trading in one year.
Iran’s scientists installed reactor centrifuges Tuesday, letting them convert uranium into nuclear bombs. They’re out of the doghouse. Last year the Ayatollah blamed Iran’s earthquake on women wearing revealing clothing and Iran’s scientists said it was worth it.
The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue hit the newsstands on Tuesday. The models are stunning. California’s celery farmers look at the girls in this issue with the same sense of satisfaction construction workers get when they gaze at a skyscraper they just finished.
The New York Mercantile Exchange reported soaring oil prices, sending gas prices into orbit Tuesday. It’s awful out west. L.A. gas station pumps have video screens on top that run porn films so customers won’t feel like they are the only ones getting screwed at the pump.
Rick Santorum soared crazily past Mitt Romney in the GOP polls Tuesday. The voters have swung wildly this year from Bachmann, to Perry, to Newt to Mitt to Santorum. It’s the kind of chart that would convince a celebrity pharmacist to give you anything you want.
Tony Bennett stunned his audience while saluting Whitney Houston at the Grammys after-party Sunday by calling for the legalization of all drugs. No one could believe it. He could be run out of show business for campaigning for Ron Paul at an entertainment event.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie ordered flags lowered to half-staff for Whitney Houston’s funeral in Newark. It sounds like another case of enabling by public officials. Whitney died only hours before the mayor of Los Angeles could present her with the Kilo to the City.
House starring Hugh Lawrie as the lovable, crusty, drug-addicted hospital doctor was canceled by ABC Thursday after eight seasons on the air. This really brought home the recession. You know the economy is bad when even the show House is being foreclosed on.
Governor Jan Brewer proclaimed Arizona’s one-hundredth birthday Thursday. This state has a huge influence. Twenty percent of Americans believe Barack Obama became president only because the White House is the safest place to hide from the Arizona police.
President Obama weighed reducing the U.S. nuclear stockpile to only three hundred warheads. It would eliminate our capacity to rule the world. The only possible explanation is that Obama thinks he can remain president for life if he takes the only fun out of the job.
President Obama hosted a lunch for Chinese vice president Xi Jinping Tuesday. He is China’s next leader and anxious to learn more about other cultures. He was delighted to meet President Obama’s daughters Sasha and Malia and asked them where they worked.
Hillary Clinton lobbied the White House Thursday to head the World Bank. The bank sells AAA bonds to rich nations, loans the money to poor nations, profits from the interest, then writes off Third World loans in return for U.N. support. You’d have to study under Bernie Madoff to get better training for this job than she received in Chicago and Arkansas.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 2.17.12