Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, February 14, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Valentine’s Day arrives Tuesday with big business anticipated for florists, chocolate stores, and lingerie outlets. The recession can’t interfere with romance. Victoria’s Secret’s top-selling gift this year is black fishnet stockings that allow you to catch your own food.
The Boy Scouts of America observed its one hundredth anniversary Thursday across the U.S. Scouting is relevant today more than ever. The Boy Scouts teach young people valuable outdoor survival skills that will come in handy after they grow up and get evicted.
President Obama switched Friday and exempted Catholic institutions from providing contraception. He caved in to outrage from religious groups. This fight over women’s bodies is making every woman in the country feel like the most popular girl in high school.
California began providing two hundred schools with free school dinners for kids for the first time ever. The state is calling it the Healthy Hunger-Free Food Act. They were going to call it the Eat It for Lunch or You’ll Get It for Dinner Program, but it didn’t test well.
Egypt’s Muslim Brotherhood urged the overthrow of military rule to allow Islam to rule Egypt. The people are caught between a junta and a theocracy. It took Americans two hundred forty years to get to the exact same point, and Egypt got there in two weeks.
The CPAC conservatives held a convention in Washington Friday. The GOP candidates gave speeches trying to out-conservative each other. It’s like American Idol, except the panel of judges are three comedians who used to impersonate Reagan back in the Eighties.
The CPAC convention in Washington sold children’s patriotic storybooks in the lobby. The authors were pleased with the sales of the books. They’ll never get school districts to buy them unless they take out the first two pages telling kids which station carries Rush Limbaugh in their town.
Archbishop Cardinal Paulo Romeo of Sicily told a crowd in China Friday he predicts Pope Benedict will be assassinated within the year. Any plot he predicts is not to be taken lightly. Cardinal Romeo’s diocese is Sicily and he hears everything in that confession booth.
Rick Santorum doubted the role of women in combat Friday, citing the emotions that might arise between the sexes up on the front lines. Now we know what turns him on. Each Valentine’s Day night, Rick’s wife dresses up like GI Jane and they have seven children.
The State Department warned U.S. students Friday not to visit Mexico this spring due to cartel violence. It makes no sense. Kids who go to Cancun on spring break are going to be the cartel’s best customers for the next twenty years so why on earth would they kill them?
The Mexican Army seized fifteen tons of methamphetamine in a raid on a cartel lab Thursday. It’s worth four billion dollars. NBA Commissioner David Stern is coming in to show the generals how to divide four billion dollars without having a labor stoppage.
Shippensburg College acknowledged Friday it sells women’s morning-after pills in a student union vending machine. The times are changing way too fast. Pfizer scientists just formulated a morning-after pill for men, it changes your DNA and your phone number.
Elizabeth Taylor’s estate sold forty of her paintings for twenty-five million dollars at Christie’s auction house in London Friday, after her jewelry and dresses sold last week for one hundred fifty million at Christie’s in New York. The legal wrangling has just begun. The War of 1812 was fought over far less than the taxes from Elizabeth Taylor’s estate sale.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 2.14.12

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