Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, February 9, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The New York Giants rode floats in a huge Super Bowl victory parade down Broadway Tuesday. The players watched themselves on their iPhones while a million New Yorkers watched themselves on their iPhones watching the parade. They’re all paying one hundred dollars a month not to have to look at each other.
Madonna’s halftime show at the Super Bowl Sunday kept a record one hundred and ten million viewers watching. They got what they expected. Rapper MIA gave the crowd the finger, making people long for the old days when the halftime stars would simply expose themselves and bow at the end of a song.
The Super Bowl drew a hundred and ten million viewers Sunday. It outdrew MASH’s final episode and trailed only the 1991 bombing of Baghdad. It shows nothing draws a crowd like a military sitcom, a military success and the explosion of a German supermodel.
President Obama was rumored Tuesday to be reconsidering his war with Catholic Church officials. They say he tried to force birth control on them. Obama began wavering when he saw a new ad by Clint Eastwood saying that it’s halftime at the Gallup Poll headquarters.
Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg advised Egypt to adopt the South African constitution, saying it protects human rights better than the U.S. Constitution. That’s not fair. The U.S. ended apartheid a full twenty-five years before South Africa did, so officially we have the moral high ground.
Mitt Romney led his campaign to Colorado, Missouri and Minnesota this week as the GOP contest widened. His chances look good. Experts say that Mitt Romney has piled up a big lead in the polls by following the strategy of not being any of the other candidates.
Rick Santorum warned GOP conservatives in Minnesota not to trust Mitt Romney’s conservatism. It’s hard to predict. There’s a chance Mitt Romney will eventually stumble once he is confronted by his toughest ideological adversary, himself from four years ago.
President Obama’s campaign had to return an illegal donation to a Mexican criminal Monday. No one checked his past. He’d been convicted of illegal campaign donations in Mexico, which means he delivered the cash in a plastic bag instead of a recyclable paper one.
President Obama appointed a taxpayer-funded advocate Monday who will represent illegal aliens and relay their complaints to Homeland Security. It’s high time. Some of the illegals aren’t getting their tax credit check in time for the President’s Day sale at WalMart.
The Senate passed a bill Tuesday ordering airports to accommodate unmanned drone aircraft. The model planes can see and record everything from four hundred feet. There’ll be so many of them buzzing over L.A. that celebrities will have to sleep under mosquito nets.
The U.S. Appeals Court overturned California’s voter-passed ban on gay marriage. It’s good for florists, jewelers, caterers, DJs, hotels, resorts, photographers and lawyers. It was like any other decision in California, never mind the morality, the car payment’s due.
The U.S. Marines stormed the beaches of Virginia Monday staging mock invasion war games along with Royal Marines. Establishing a beachhead is no picnic. Last year they tried to land on Santa Monica beach where they were driven back to Catalina Island by Crip gunfire.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 2.9.12

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