Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, February 3, 2012 7:01 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
NFL chief Roger Goodell admitted to CBS News Sunday the NFL is socialist in the way the teams evenly share TV revenue. He’s right. However, six hundred guys splitting up ten billion dollars isn’t exactly the way Karl Marx diagrammed the play on the chalkboard.
Donald Trump announced plans to build a cemetery on the lot next to his New Jersey golf course. The cemetery would be just outside the eighteenth fairway fence. It allows people who don’t believe in a heaven or hell to now spend eternity as a two-stroke penalty.
Journal Science said U.S. kids score so poorly in chemistry they may soon be classified as being chemistry-illiterate. Blame it on government regulation. If we hadn’t stopped selling Sudafed in the drugstore aisles, they might still be interested in learning chemistry.
Kodak had to ask that its name be taken off the Hollywood theater that hosts Oscar night due to Kodak’s bankruptcy. There’s a lesson here for the Democrats. After twelve years of being associated with the biggest names in Hollywood, Kodak has lost everything.
House Republicans voted to ban ATM’s from giving out money when welfare debit cards are swiped at casinos or strip clubs. Rules are rules. Low-income people are not supposed to use the welfare debit cards at strip clubs and casinos, they’re supposed to use the Refundable Child Tax Credit.
Advertising Age reported Sunday that the GOP candidates are advertising heavily on the Weather Channel. The GOP dollars can’t help but affect the weather reports. Last week the tornado that hit Alabama was described as reaching Category Newt wind speeds.
The Secret Service began protecting Mitt Romney after he won Florida Tuesday. It’s unavoidable. If anything were to happen to Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich would become the nominee, and comedians would only have to work half a day for the rest of the decade.
President Obama proposed a plan to help homeowners refinance their home loans even if they owe more on their houses than they’re worth. Why stop now? If this were a show on the Discovery Channel it’d be called the Undersea World of Fannie and Freddie.
The White House said Monday that lawsuits may force it to release the Osama bin Laden kill video. The courts are rushing them. They didn’t want to release it til they finish the computer animation that put Barack Obama’s face on the Navy SEAL who pulled the trigger.
Mitt Romney carried the women’s vote by twenty-two percent over Newt in Florida Tuesday. It was confusing. TV ads made GOP women think they were choosing between a polygamous Mormon and a man who would leave them the first time they get a head cold.
The Distilled Spirits Council reported top-shelf liquor imports soared last year, signaling economic recovery. What a relief. Nobody was impressing their customers the last four years by meeting them in a park and offering them a swig of whatever is in the paper sack.
Sandia National Lab scientists in New Mexico invented a rifle-fired bullet that guides itself to its target. The rifle scope paints a red laser on the target and the bullet corrects itself in flight to hit it. By nightfall, the Justice Department was giving them away at the Mexican border.
A University of Wisconsin student achieved his goal of going ninety-days completely technology-free. He used no cellphone, no Facebook, no iPods and no Twitter. To avoid any temptation he spent ninety days dating cougar grandmothers who still use flip-phones.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 2.3.12

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