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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, February 1, 2012 6:20 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The NCAA agreed Monday to consider allowing schools to pay football players two thousand dollar stipends. The coaches are making six million. Colonial Williamsburg can’t hold a candle to the way the Southeastern Conference re-creates Gone with the Wind.
Malibu residents saw the Coast Guard intercepting a Mexican boat trying to smuggle a half-ton of pot on the beach. They had to stop it from getting to the shore. According to U.S. immigration law if the marijuana gets its feet on the beach, it’s granted political asylum.
Demi Moore’s ambulance ride to rehab Friday was found to have been caused by her inhaling nitrous oxide to get high. She suffered a bad reaction to laughing gas. For some Democrats, watching the GOP presidential debates isn’t enough, they have to supplement it.
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer’s book got a big spike in sales Friday after her heated debate with President Obama was photographed. No wonder Newt wants to do four hundred Lincoln-Douglas debates with Obama. He has a garage full of books that aren’t selling.
The Agriculture Depart-ment warned of a huge spike in beef prices this year. They’re talking about the possibility of ten dollar burgers. By the time the GOP Convention gets here, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney will be accusing each other of ordering hamburgers.
Newt Gingrich said Monday that Mitt Romney got rich via vulture capitalism. Meanwhile Mitt accused Newt of getting rich by lobbying. Republicans are going through a natural process of eliminating all the candidates until they can find one who inherited his wealth.
Donald Trump told CBS News he might run for president as a third-party candidate. There’s little to fear. He owns the Miss USA Pageant, and after Newt, Bill Clinton and Herman Cain, he’s convinced that being involved with fifty women will not hurt his political career.
Herman Cain endorsed Newt Gingrich for the GOP nomination at a press conference on Saturday. The man with four female accusers endorsed the man with three wives. If there is one thing politics teaches us, it is that adulterers always have each other’s backs.
The Super Bowl is held at Lucas Stadium in Indianapolis Sunday. It us where Eli Lilly makes the anti-depressant Prozac, and one block from John Dillinger’s favorite bar. We’ll remember this Super Bowl as the one that took place right in the middle of the Depression.
Costa Concordia survivors say Russian passengers handed fistfuls of money to greedy crew members to buy seats on the lifeboats after the ship hit the rocks. The crew would rather drown with cash in their pockets. If they lived in Florida they’d have four mortgages.
Amonix Solar Panels in Nevada had to lay off two hundred workers Monday despite getting six million in green energy subsidies from the White House. It’s the third green energy company to hit the skids in one week. The difference between a solar panel energy company and a Beverly Hills boob job is that U.S. taxpayers have to pay for the flop.
London scientists released a health study Sunday saying the Atkins Diet is healthiest way for overweight people to lose weight. The diet is effective and wildly popular. The Vatican just approved a new low-carb communion wafer called I Can’t Believe It’s Not Jesus.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

Published in The Messenger 2.1.12

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