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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, January 31, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Dr. Drew warned against an election-year drinking game sweeping Los Angeles. You do a shot when a Democrat says the word fair and a line of coke when a Republican says family values. The rehabs are so full now you need a good agent to get into Betty Ford’s.
United Nations officials in New York were red-faced Friday after a thirty-pound sack of cocaine arrived in the U.N. mailroom. It’s just business. It’s sent every month by defense contractors to make sure all the peace envoys stay hostile, paranoid and sleepless.
Los Angeles was the rumored destination of the St. Louis Rams as new stadium talks in Missouri bogged down Friday. L.A. developers downtown are planning a retractable roof stadium. That’s so if it’s sixty-nine degrees outside, we can enjoy the game at seventy.
Indiana’s Ener1 electric car battery manufacturer filed for bankruptcy after they got a hundred million in U.S. loan credits. They blame a lack of demand for electric cars. They’re too small, they’re too quiet and the Obama bumper sticker blocks the rear window.
HBO scored Sunday with its racetrack drama Luck starring Dustin Hoffman and Nick Nolte. Scripted TV shows are finally back. You knew that reality shows were stretched too thin when they couldn’t get a Kardashian to join the Real Housewives of Newt Gingrich.
Newt Gingrich told the debate audience on Thursday he stands behind his visionary idea of planting ten thousand Americans on the moon. This is part of his long-term strategy for governing America. He wants to establish a colony up on the moon and populate it with moderate Republicans.
Mitt Romney switched attitudes Thursday and expressed pride in his success rather than embarrassment. It violated the WASP code. He’s lucky he’s Mormon because if he was an Episcopalian he would’ve been drummed out of the House of Lords for overdoing it.
President Obama’s campaign trip took him to Arizona and Nevada Thursday and he spent the night in a Las Vegas Strip hotel. They love the president in that town. When they found out that he was sixteen trillion dollars in debt, they comped the buffet for him.
The U.S. Navy was sued by Indians and environmentalists for using sonar in naval war exercises off the Oregon coast. They say the noise and war drills confuse sea life. Every time a U.S. submarine fires a torpedo, the sperm whales hand out cigars to all their friends.
The Pentagon proposed budget cuts reducing U.S. troops and ships Friday. The Joint Chiefs Chairman said capability is more important than size. That statement might be effective since there are no women in the Iranian government to point out how wrong that is.
Bill Gates hosted a world donors conference in Switzerland Friday. He pledged seven hundred fifty million to the Fund to Fight AIDS, Tuberculosis and Malaria. That’s how much it costs to teach people to have sex using condoms, surgical masks and mosquito nets.
Egypt prevented six U.S. political outreach employees from leaving Friday, including the Transportation Secretary’s son. They work in Cairo for the Republican Party Political Outreach Office and for the Democratic Party Political Outreach Office. You can just hear them laughing in CIA headquarters at Langley when they think up these office names.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.31.12

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