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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, January 27, 2012 6:09 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Demi Moore was taken by ambulance to alcohol and drug rehab Tuesday. She’s lucky to be alive. They should outlaw that Obama speech drinking game where you do a shot every time he says the word fair, the paramedics are buying Ferraris with all the overtime.
U.S. Navy SEALs killed nine Somali pirates Tuesday while rescuing hostages during the State of the Union address. You couldn’t miss the go signal. President Obama said he envisions an America where everyone gets a fair shot, and then he winked three times at the camera.
President Obama thanked the U.S. Navy SEALs Team Six for killing nine Somali pirates and rescuing two hostages. The team that took out Osama bin Laden has had a busy and successful year. How they bumped off Joe Paterno and made it look natural is a work of art.
CBS News said energy efficient office windows are reflecting sun rays which melt the plastic bodywork on Priuses in parking lots. The beams are red-hot. In the competition for U.S. taxpayer subsidies, green technologies are starting to kill each other like Iraqi tribes.
Bubba Watson bought the old Dodge Charger on the Dukes of Hazzard. It’s nicknamed the General Lee with a Rebel naval jack on top, and its horn plays Dixie. After President Obama promised Tuesday to raise taxes again, the rich are starting a secession movement.
Nancy Pelosi boasted Tuesday that she’s got dirt on Newt Gingrich that will keep him from becoming president. What do we not know by now? There’s already so much dirt on Newt Gingrich it looks like a salesman’s trying to demonstrate a vacuum cleaner on him.
Newt Gingrich said Tuesday he didn’t mind Bill Clinton committing adultery in the Oval Office. He minded him lying about it under oath. In fact the only reason he’s running for president is because he needs a job with enough security to keep his wife out of the office.
Mitt Romney revealed in his tax returns that he makes twenty million dollars a year in investment income. He’s now spending a hundred million dollars to get a job that pays four hundred thousand a year. Even as a child he liked to mow lawns for a few extra bucks.
Warren Buffett was revealed to own the railroad that’ll transport Canadian oil to Texas now that Obama’s canceled the Keystone pipeline. It’s all clear now. President Obama will only say it’s really unfair that the railroad engineer has to pay a higher tax rate than Warren Buffett.
The Getty Museum opened an exhibition of seventeenth century paintings by French and Italian and English masters. It speaks through the centuries to us. The Italians use art to glorify God and the French use art to glorify love and the British prefer self-portraits.
The Detroit Tigers signed slugger Prince Fielder Tuesday, giving him a nine-year deal for two hundred and twenty million. It’s not as much as it sounds. He only wanted one hundred fifty million to play ball in Detroit, the rest is for the security system on his house.
Garth Brooks won a million-dollar suit against an Oklahoma HMO Tuesday which he said reneged on a promise to name a hospital wing after his mother in return for a huge donation. You reach a point in your country music career where you’re sick of love and you’d just as soon write songs about being betrayed by a hospital fundraising committee.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in the Messenger 1.27.12

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