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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, January 26, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Boston Bruins star Tim Thomas refused to attend a White House ceremony honoring their Stanley Cup. He’s protesting that the federal government is out of control. You know all the incumbents are going to lose when people with head injuries and no teeth can see it.
President Obama gave his State of the Union address in the U.S. Capitol Tuesday. The chamber held Congress, the cabinet and the Supreme Court. In case of catastrophe, the captain of the Costa Concordia remained outside the chamber to ensure continuity of government.
President Obama spoke for one hour to Congress in his State of the Union speech on Tuesday. Opinions on it varied. Democrats called the speech an inspiring call to action while Republicans labeled it the longest cold opening in the history of Saturday Night Live.
The JFK Library in Boston released new audiotapes of President Kennedy discussing policy with advisers on the phone fifty years ago in the Oval Office. On one tape you can hear high-pitched squealing voices in the background. The library swears it’s his kids.
Carnival Cruises failed Tuesday to straighten up the Costa Concordia, capsized off the coast of Italy. It’s still on its side after ten days. The captain is in jail but he will live in Italian lore forever as the man who replaced Frank Sinatra as the King of the Over-Tippers.
British Open champion Darren Clarke hired a trainer to get him in shape for the first time. The popular golfer loves to party. The National Geographic defines wine country as Napa Valley, the Loire region in France and wherever Darren Clarke is playing this week.
Marianne Gingrich told ABC News Thursday that Newt Gingrich asked her when they were married if it would be okay with her if she shared him with his new mistress. Newt asked his wife for permission. Leave it to a Republican to take the fun out of cheating.
Fox News announced plans to start a Spanish-network version of Fox News. It is long overdue. This’ll give all the Fox viewers who are tired of hot-looking blondes a chance to switch over to hot-looking brunettes even if they don’t understand a word they’re saying.
NBC News held a GOP debate in Tampa Tuesday but the network told the crowd not to applaud, cheer or laugh during the debate. The crowd sat completely silent through all their best lines. Only comedians who’ve told Obama jokes in Los Angeles know the feeling.
The Super Bowl pits the New England Patriots against the New York Giants at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis. The stadium’s naming rights were purchased during the last administration. President Bush gave oil companies a thirty percent discount on everything.
The Secret Service halted an armed man at George W. Bush’s home claiming to have spiritual permission to see him. He’s nuts, but Texas still gave him a gun permit. He was wrestled to the ground and forcibly entered into all remaining GOP presidential primaries.
The Supreme Court ruled police must obtain a warrant before they can attach a GPS tracking device to a car. The ruling freed a cocaine dealer. The government is not allowed to know everywhere you go and everything you’re doing unless they’re giving you a tax credit for it.
NBC News anchor Brian Williams ran a post-GOP debate feature story Monday about NBC’s campaign imbeds. These reporters-in-training are young college graduates working for free to cover, question and film the GOP candidates every day on the road. NBC likes the free labor so much they’re selling hoop skirts and gray dress uniforms in the gift shop.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.26.12

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