Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, January 18, 2012 6:46 am

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The AT&T Pro-Am at Pebble Beach invited Tim Tebow to play in the golf tournament next month and promised Tebow to pair him with Tiger Woods. They won’t be playing. They’re going to sit on Rory McElroy’s opposite shoulders and give him relationship advice.
Mexico reported Tuesday they’ll spend eight million dollars to promote travel to the Mayan region of Mexico this year. The ancient tribe predicted the end of the world by this December. Realtors in Iran are giving away Mayan calendars to prospective customers.
Michelle Obama joined Twitter Tuesday and in one day drew one hundred thousand followers. That’s nowhere near the record. Charlie Sheen drew six million followers in his first day on Twitter but then his diet and exercise plan is far more popular than hers.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt met with President Obama for an hour in the Oval Office Thursday. They discussed ways to facilitate adopting children from Africa. President Obama said he appreciated their offer but he decided to remain a ward of the government.
President Obama blamed Richard Nixon for bloated bureaucracies Friday. History is a circle. Obama blamed Nixon, who blamed Eastern elites, who blamed FDR, who blamed Hoover, who blamed Germany, who blamed Greece, who blamed the banks, who blamed Obama.
President Obama asked Congress for authority to consolidate government agencies Friday. He wants to reduce the number of departments. The idea drew unexpected GOP support from Rick Perry, who said he’s having trouble remembering them all anyway.
Baptist leader Richard Land ripped Mitt Romney for not being socially conservative enough. He convened a meeting of evangelicals in Texas to look for an alternative. They think they can find a preacher who’s willing to give up both his mistresses and his TV show.
Mitt Romney led Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul in the South Carolina polls Friday. His presidential momentum is gaining steam. Mitt recently was exposed for his past work of firing workers until a company was profitable and it caught the imagination of the country.
The Pentagon denounced four Marines who urinated on four dead Taliban soldiers they had killed. It’s not what it looked like. The full tape will show they were celebrating their victory by pouring a bucket of Gatorade on their commander and some of it splashed.
North Korea’s government announced plans Friday to embalm the body of Kim Jong Il and place his body on permanent public display inside a glass case. The idea is hardly original. Millions of Americans watched Larry King every night fifteen years after his death.
Delta Airlines became the first carrier to announce an increase in airfares Thursday when they raised round trip prices by ten percent. All the carriers are trying to keep prices down. To help raise extra money, the airlines now charge a fee to explain their fees.
The Weather Channel reports a blizzard knocked out power across the Midwest and the South. It’s no time for the government to nag everyone about the obesity epidemic. Thousands of Americans without heat were saved last night by their extra layer of body fat.
Hostess filed for Chapter Eleven bankruptcy protection Tuesday. It’s hard to believe the makers of Twinkies, Cupcakes and Ding Dongs could lose money in the middle of the obesity epidemic. The only possible explanation is that Diet Coke secretly contains pie.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.17.12

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