Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 7:00 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Golf Channel star Hank Haney announced Monday he’ll release a book in April about his six years as Tiger Woods’s swing coach. Golfers will be shocked. Tiger Woods kept eighteen mistresses and you’re only allowed to have fourteen in your bag at the same time.
The Labor Department released a survey showing college graduates with liberal arts degrees have the highest unemployment rate. It’s nothing new. For forty years the nightly line-up at the Comedy Store in West Hollywood has featured at least twelve history majors.
Mitt Romney vowed Sunday to cut federal funding for PBS if elected president. This network is a huge waste of time. Sesame Street turns children into socialists in the morning and then Masterpiece Theater turns them back into British colonialists that night.
The CIA’s investigating if the White House leaked intelligence on Osama bin Laden to Sony. It revealed he liked to watch TV videos and porn while smoking pot. It’s seems odd that Osama bin Laden hated Americans when he spent all his time practicing to be one.
President Obama hosted a secret Alice in Wonderland Halloween costume party two years ago where everyone dressed up as Lewis Carroll characters. The Obamas love to dress up in costumes. At the last Democratic convention, they came as Ozzie and Harriet.
President Obama banned uranium mining on a million acres near the Grand Canyon National Park on Monday. This shuts down the expansion of uranium mines. These sanctions on Iran are really getting out of control when they start costing jobs in America.
Hugo Chavez discussed a nuclear alliance with Iran’s president Monday in Caracas. It is a dangerous game. This could wind up igniting a new Cuban Missile Crisis, only this time America is not lucky enough to have a president with Marilyn Monroe’s wise counsel.
The Las Vegas Consumer Electronics Show introduced gaze-interaction technology to retailers Monday which allows you to navigate the Internet using only your eyes. Whatever you do, don’t use this technology in your car. Last night three drivers used it on their iPhones and their GPS navigators directed them to the nearest breast implant clinic.
Mitt Romney tried Monday to explain his views on health care by saying he likes to be able to fire people who don’t give him good service. He specializes in buying companies and then firing people until they are profitable. It saves him a lot of money on Christmas gifts.
The New York City Opera appeared headed for a musicians’ strike Sunday after labor talks broke down. The company includes the most talented people in the world. The great tenor Enrico Caruso once held a high-C for sixty seconds, but how often do you back into a spear?
Dunkin’ Donuts announced Monday the company will double their number of outlets in the United States. They chose this week to make their corporate move. No sooner does a book come out criticizing Michelle Obama than the junk food industry sees its opening.
William Daley resigned as White House chief of staff Monday. He said he wanted to go back to the city he loves. The unemployment crisis is so bad in this country that he can’t get a job anywhere except Chicago, and there only because people knew his father.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.11.12

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