Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, January 2, 2012 7:03 pm

BEVERLY HILLS — Happy New Year, everybody, and God bless America.
Mitt Romney tried to woo evangelical voters Friday who don’t consider the Mormon faith to be a Christian religion. Mormons believe the Garden of Eden is in St. Louis and that Albert Pujols must’ve signed with the L.A. Angels because a snake gave him bad advice about fruit.
Barry Bonds said he’ll appeal his conviction in San Francisco for misleading a grand jury about using steroids. It was obvious to all that he took them. Bonds was convicted of obstruction of justice and obstructing five people who sat behind him in the movie theater.
China’s space program announced Thursday it’s considering plans to send a manned flight to the moon sometime during this coming decade. This ends a traditional U.S. monopoly. Within five years all the moon rocks sold at Wal-Mart will be made in China.
Samoa crossed the Date Line Thursday to live on the same day as its trading partner Australia. The islanders went straight from Thursday to Saturday as though Friday did not exist. It’s the only time people ever lost an entire day without the help of a coke dealer.
The NAACP in Michigan announced it will stage an Occupy the PGA event at a Seniors event in May. They’ll protest on the golf course for housing to be provided as a human basic right. It’s not enough to have subsidized housing, they want it along the 18th fairway.
Foot Lockers got hit by more riots over Nike’s new Air Jordan shoes Thursday. Street robbers are forcing people who wear them to take them off and hand them over. The reason people are rioting to buy these shoes is that it is the only way to protect your Rolex.
Hillary Clinton was named the Most Admired Woman in America in the Gallup Poll’s annual listing. It was her sixteenth win, breaking Eleanor Roosevelt’s record, with Jackie Kennedy third. To get the award you must marry a great Democrat and look the other way.
North Korea saluted Kim Jong-Il’s son Kim Jung-Un as its Supreme Leader. He’s in his twenties. It gives them a huge technological edge over their enemies now that they have the world’s only leader who knows how to hook up a Playstation to stream pirated movies.
Brazil celebrated the news that it overtook Great Britain as the world’s sixth largest economy on Tuesday. It shows the growing power of free markets in South America. President Obama gave his congratulations and asked if we could borrow a Brazilian dollars.
President Obama raised the debt ceiling another trillion Monday. It was a watershed moment. We’re at the point where a president can borrow a trillion dollars while on vacation approved by a Congress that’s out of session from a country with a one-child policy.
President Obama agreed Thursday to slap banking sanctions on Iran to punish Iran for their nuclear weapons program. That’s the way to hurt them. If we really want to destroy Iran’s nuclear program, all we have to do is sell the Iranians a variable-rate second mortgage on their nuclear reactor and be upwind when the balloon payment’s due.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.2.12

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