Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, December 22, 2011 7:03 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Speaker John Boehner remained at loggerheads with President Obama Monday over a payroll tax cut extension. The president said he needs the speaker and speaker said he needs the president. It is bold of the diamond industry to go after that market at Christmas.
The Coast Guard issued new rules Sunday reducing the number of people allowed on coastal ferries. It’s the obesity epidemic. Passengers on cruise liners won’t believe it but there was a time in this country when Titanic referred to the boat and not the portions.
California’s state tourism board Visit California reported record tourist revenue last year. The visitors spent $104 billion. We only had a couple of hundred tourists but they all thought they could flip a few houses while they were here.
The Weather Channel showed a blizzard across the Great Plains Tuesday. Everything froze up. North Dakota’s unemployment rate may be 3 percent, but it drops to 0 percent when they film Napoleon in Russia movies and everyone picks up work as an extra.
President Obama rated himself the fourth best president in U.S. history Sunday in his interview on CBS’s 60 Minutes. He has a healthy ego. Obama rated himself fourth behind Abe Lincoln, FDR and LBJ, which is only true if you are measuring them by their golf scores.
Newt Gingrich vowed Sunday to haul federal judges before Congress to explain their rulings. He said judges are too dictatorial. This what happens when a judge’s decree in favor of your last wife causes you to be late on your Tiffany’s payment to your next wife.
Newt Gingrich’s poll numbers fell off just like they did for Bachmann, Perry, Cain and Romney. They held way too many debates. If you’re going to argue that the government needs to get out of our lives, it’s a huge mistake to suck up more airtime than Regis Philbin.
Candlestick Park had a power blackout just before the San Francisco 49er game with Pittsburgh Monday night. The stadium went dark twice. They couldn’t resume play until they got Tim Tebow on the speaker phone to tell the transformer to let there be light.
Kobe Bryant was accused of serial adultery by his wife Vanessa Monday. She accused him of seeing several Playboy playmates on the side. It will cost Kobe millions but it will help the Lakers attract the best young players who are thinking of signing with Miami.
L.A. schools reported Tuesday that students are not buying into Michelle Obama’s healthy school lunch program. Eighty-seven percent of students buy their lunch on the black market. You’d think Saddam Hussein invaded us to bring dictatorship to the United States.
Saudi prince Alwaleed bin Talal bought 3 percent of Twitter’s stock Monday. The man has a plan. When pro-democracy protesters use Twitter to try to overthrow the regime in Saudi Arabia he can get all of their e-mail addresses and sell them to advertisers.
Syrian protesters in Damascus risked death Tuesday by standing in front of cameras holding up signs in English saying they miss President Bush. They want our help. Syria has both heroin and oil so neither of our political parties would object to invading them.
North Korea test-fired missiles into the Sea of Japan after North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong Il died Monday. That’s in character. Kim Jong Il always claimed that North Korea has missiles that can reach Los Angeles, which is true, if they fired them from Santa Monica.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.22.11

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